Disaster Seems All Too Familiar
by upallnight-doitallwithlou
Summary: Ever since Big Time Rush had become famous, Logan's life had been a big time catastrophe. Can he fix his life before he ruins everything he's ever wanted? COMPLETE
1. Familiarity

Okay, so, no one kill me for this. I wanted to try something different and so I decided to start working on a chaptered fic. I kept looking at my writing and thinking, "wow, this is all really happy stuff" and I just really wanted to try and break away from all the happy-go-lucky kind of writing. This is going to be more of a challenge for me, even though a lot of this will kind of relate back to my life in some way, shape, or form. I need something new, and I wanted to write a story based solely off of negative emotions and anger. So, this is the beginning and if you haven't read anything in this note, **PLEASE READ THIS. THE BEGINNING OF THIS HAS A FEW GRAPHIC WORDS AND IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE READING IT, THEN DON'T. **I am not writing this to be gross or anything. This is my attempt at something nouveau. I'd also like to go ahead and dedicate this story to BTRlover17. I've been telling her that I was going to write all kinds of shit, and I haven't, and I finally decided to write this, so this whole story is for you, baby girl. Every chapter I'll ever post. Thank you for keeping me motivated on here.

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Logan couldn't remember the girl's name. He couldn't remember where he had met her or when she had decided to go back to his apartment. He couldn't remember getting undressed and he most definitely couldn't remember sinking down between the nameless girl's legs. The only thing he really could recall was that he was trashed; he wasn't able to comprehend just how he had managed to even make it back to his apartment, but this was normal. He spent most nights like this.

He groaned, feeling his cock twitch as his tongue worked circles over nameless girl's clit. She arched her back and her short brown locks ruined against the pillows beneath her head. Logan groaned again before reaching a hand up to cup her breast. He ran his thumb over her already perky nipple as he continued his assault on her clit. She was a writhing mess, hazel eyes half-lidded, looking down at him through her short brown bangs. The girl reminded him of someone, but he couldn't quite place it. He pulled his tongue away and then proceeded to trail small kisses and bites over her stomach and up to her neck. He wouldn't kiss her lips. He couldn't bring himself to. He never kissed any of the random bitches he picked up.

"Logan, please," the girl breathed, as the boy ran his fingers between her legs. The fact that she knew his name and he couldn't remember her's made him feel slightly ashamed. Of course, a lot of people knew his name. He was famous, after all. When he took a moment to think it over, he realized that in all reality, he didn't care to know the girl's name. He bit down on her shoulder before he pulled away from her and leaned over the side of the bed to reach into his pants pocket. He quickly retrieved the condom he had put in his pocket just for an occasion like this and he tore it open with his teeth, lazily discarding the wrapper. He sat up just enough to slide the annoying rubber onto his length and then he settled back between the girl's legs.

His brain hurt. His eyes hurt, too, and he couldn't get the girl's taste off of his tongue. She muttered something that he wasn't really listening to before he pushed in completely, moaning as her warm, slick cunt enveloped him entirely. He wasted no time in finding a ryhthm with his hips, rocking them painfully fast and hard against the girl. She was screaming, and he couldn't stand it. He wasn't sure why, but the fact that she was being so loud was annoying him beyond measure. He wouldn't do anything to shut her up, though. He would just blame her for his headache in the morning instead of the alcohol he had previously consumed.

Logan could feel his insides churning, feel his heart beating faster and faster. It wasn't going to take him long to come tonight, and it was probably just because he wanted this to end. He was getting sick of the same shit every night. Drink, drink some more, find a slut to sleep with, get his dick sucked, drink a little afterwards, kick her out of his apartment, and then hate himself. He really did want it to end, but it wasn't going to. This was his way of getting over Hollywood, and making it through the famous life. This was how he planned to spend every night for the rest of his life.

The girl beneath him moaned his name, fisting the sheets as he slammed into her. Logan closed his eyes as he felt himself tip-toeing around the edge of his orgasm. He bit down hard on his bottom lip, hips losing their rhythm seconds before he was coming and screaming a name. The name didn't belong to this girl. In fact, it didn't belong to any girl he had ever slept with, or any girl he had ever met. It didn't belong to a girl at all. He stilled his movements, head spinning and heart threatening to break into a thousand pieces. The girl sat up slowly, a look of sheer anger spreading across her face. Her lips were moving, but Logan couldn't hear anything but his pulse in his ears. She shoved him away, climbing off of the bed and grabbing her clothes up off the floor. Logan finally started hearing himself tell her to just leave. She was already going to, but for some reason, he wanted to hear himself say it. He wanted to push her away, despite the fact that she was already heading out of his apartment door.

Logan repeated the name he screamed over and over in his head, closing his eyes and then covering them with his hands. The girl had reminded him of someone, and he was finally starting to remember who it was. The short brown hair, the tan skin, the warm hazel eyes... it all made sense. James. This was why it was a different girl every night. This was why he would drink until he couldn't comprehend his own words. It wasn't because he was famous, and it wasn't because he couldn't handle Hollywood. It all went back to James, and Logan didn't even have time to analyze it before his mind clouded over and his vision went black.

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First chapter, it's short, I know. I'm just trying to get a feel for this and work through some ideas. If you're interested in reading this, please review. I tend to take stuff down that I feel people don't read or care for. Also, let me know if you have any ideas that I could put into this. I'm going to work hard on updating as frequently as possible, and reviews will help me in that endeavor. Thank you all so much for reading my work.


	2. 12:41

Okay, so here is the second chapter of this. I've been working on it for the past few days, and I'm not **really **happy with it, but I figured I will make up for this lousy chapter with my next chapter. This mainly revolves around Carlos and Logan, and I'm still not getting into the details of why Logan's really in such a state of ruin. That'll come with the next chapter, along with a pretty smutty flashback, and a ton more angst. c:

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Logan woke the next morning to a vicious pounding in his head and an all-too-annoying knock on his apartment door. The details of his night were blurred in his mind, the only thing comprehendible being the name of the person he shouldn't have been thinking of rolling off of his tongue at precisely the wrong moment. The knocking on his door grew louder, and he could hear Carlos whining about how hot is was outside. Logan dared to open his eyes, light flooding his senses and making his head hurt even more so. "Okay, dude. I'm sweating out here," Carlos complained, his knocking stilling for just a moment before it picked up again. Logan willed himself to sit up and glance at his alarm clock that he forgot to set. 12:41. Shit.

"Logan? Logan. Open the door, asshole," Carlos said, infinitely frustrated at his friend. The brunette sighed, climbing to his feet and rubbing across his forehead gently, hoping the pain would subside. With no relief, he made his way out of his room and through his living room, making a mental note to clean everything in sight. "If you don't open this door, I swear, I'll-" Carlos stopped mid sentence as the door opened and Logan peered out. The sun was near unbearable and the boy almost shut the door back in Carlos' face when it beamed through the crack in the door. "Morning, sunshine. Gustavo told me to come get you, and he's really pissed off, and I'm pretty sure he's going to murder you when we get back to the studio," the Latino sniffed and scrunched his nose, "Holy.. Ugh. Logan, you smell so bad, dude. Gustavo's just going to have to wait a little longer, because you aren't getting in my car smelling like that," he finished, pushing past Logan and walking into the boy's apartment.

As annoyed as Logan was, he couldn't help but laugh at his friend as he strolled through the apartment, commenting about every little untidy thing. "This floor is filthy. Do you ever clean it? Oh my God, the couch.. I can't even see it underneath all of these clothes. Logan! Why would you let your kitchen get so gross?" he exclaimed, turning to look at his smart friend. Logan shrugged from where he was standing, leaning against the door. He rubbed his hands over his face, willing his headache to disappear. "Logan, are you hungover again?" Carlos asked, crossing his arms and looking sternly in Logan's direction. As immature as Carlos could be, he had his moments when he was most definitely the band mom. "When am I not hungover, 'Litos?" Logan retorted, pushing himself away from the door and trudging to the kitchen in search of Ibuprofen.

The Latino sighed. He hated seeing Logan like this, watching his friend wreck himself on a regular basis. Carlos thought back over the past two months, coming to the sad realization that Logan had been hungover almost every single time he had been to his apartment. He watched the boy in the kitchen, popping open his prescribed bottle of Ibuprofen and swallowing down three of the large pills. _This wasn't living_.

"Hey, Logan. You know, maybe you should lay off the alcohol for a while. You could come stay at my place or something, and we can play video games, or go to the movies or something," Carlos offered, uncrossing his arms and dancing a little with a fake smile. Logan looked over at him with a frown and put his medicine back on the counter. "Alcohol's the only thing that helps, Los. Thanks, though," he replied, walking out of the kitchen and heading to the bathroom without another word. Carlos would never know the real reason behind Logan's drinking. At least, not any time soon. Logan didn't have the guts, the heart, or the emotional strength to tell any of his friends about his night, and he just hoped he would make it through rehearsals without a breakdown.

Logan showered quickly in hopes that Carlos wouldn't clean his living room while he waited. He hated when his friends cleaned his house, because that wasn't their job. The steam and heat of the shower eased the throbbing in his head enough that he could process clear thoughts. The previous night had been a disaster. He finally remembered what all had gone down. He recalled the party he and his friends had been invited to. There were lots of girls at the party and they were all drunk. Carlos was the only one of the four members of Big Time Rush who managed to stay sober the entire night and he was the one who dropped Logan off at his apartment with that girl. He remembered James and Kendall being in the car. They were laughing about something the nameless girl had said, and Logan could remember how his eyes had been on James the entire time.

A knock on the bathroom door broke him out of his thoughts. "Did you drown in there?" Carlos teased, causing Logan to smile a little. He rolled his eyes, shutting off the now-chilled water and stepping out of the shower. "I'm out, I'm out," he replied as he wrapped his towel around his lower half and moved to the sink to brush his teeth. "Okay, well, just hurry it up a little bit. Kendall just called and said Gustavo's flipping his lid. We really need to get over there," he stated, and then his voice was gone. Logan brushed his teeth without looking in the mirror. He didn't want to face himself. He didn't want to face any of the shit that had been his life for the past two months. He spat into the sink, groaning when he realized he had been brushing his teeth much to hard. Toothpaste and blood mixed in the sink and he shook his head, throwing his toothbrush down rinsing his mouth until the water ran clear.

Carlos was waiting for him in the living room once he had dried off and put on a clean outfit. He had search through countless articles of clothing, finding that most of them either smelled of alcohol, cigarettes, or sex, all of which would not be appropriate for a meeting with an already-angry Gustavo. "Ready to go?" Carlos asked, standing up from the couch and heading over to the door. Logan offered a weak smile and a nod, following behind his friend and heading out to his car.

The ride to the studio was a silent one, Carlos looking as though he wanted to ask a million questions, but never once uttering a word. He wished there was some way to break Logan out of this trend he'd fallen in to. He wanted to understand what was causing his friend so much hurt in his life, and he wanted to be able to tell him that it would be okay. He knew, however, that Logan would never tell him. Never even hint at the problem. And he would just have to deal with that, even if it killed him.

Gustavo met the boys outside of Rocque Records, face red and mouth spewing over with foul language. Logan tuned him out, walking past the angry man and in to the cool air of the studio. Kendall raised an eyebrow at him, smirking as Logan shook his head with a grin. Gustavo could yell all he wanted to, because Logan quite frankly didn't give a fuck anymore. James was standing inside of the room with all of Gustavo's mixing equipment. He offered Logan a smile but the boy refused to look at him. Logan would ignore him for the rest of the day, praying to whatever God existed that he wouldn't speak to him or even stand next to him. James was too social, though. Logan's prayers would be in vain, and he would end up singing next to the taller brunette, faking a smile just like every other time he talked to the pretty boy.

Before rehearsal had really even started, Logan found himself wishing he were back at his apartment. Dance was shit, and harmonies were even worse. Gustavo spent most of the time yelling at Logan for being late, and blaming him for every stupid little thing that didn't go right. The smart boy accepted the verbal abuse, deciding he deserved it, and continued to work through the torture that was rehearsal. All he was looking forward to was sunset, when he would go out and drink away every little negative asset in his life with his friends. All he was looking for was a repeat of his night before, and he'd be damned if he didn't find it.

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There you have chapter two. I do hope you managed to make it all the way through this. Like I said, I'm not very happy with this chapter at all, but I'm so glad that you read it! Reviews are much appreciated, and I do reply to every single one that I get! You guys are amazing. c:


	3. Conspiracy

I know that I told you all that this would include a smutty flashback, but once I got into this, I really couldn't stop myself from writing, and I realized it was already way too long for me to add a flashback. So, I do apologize a million times for not including it. I will make a promise to you now that Chapter Four will start off with something filthy, because you all are so amazing for even keeping up with this story, and I won't keep you waiting for it any longer. Either way, here is chapter three. I hope you all enjoy it!

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Rehearsal ran later than usual, Gustavo still really mad about Logan's tardiness and determined to make the boys pay for it. They spent two extra hours running choreography because Kelly was sick and wasn't there to calm Gustavo down. When the boys finally finished their dance routines, their large producer set them off on there way after a lecture and various curse words directed towards Logan. The small boy didn't listen to a single word that was uttered, focusing only on his plans for the night that he was anxiously awaiting.

"I can't believe he made us do all of that shit **just **because Logan was an hour late," Kendall fumed, face red from his anger and the dancing he had gone through. Carlos nodded in agreement, "I can't believe he called Logan a twat". The two boys laughed, while James and Logan remained silent. Logan didn't really pay much attention to Gustavo's insults after the first hour of practice. He'd drowned the fat man out, mind fixed only on getting away from the studio and _James. _The pretty boy had done nothing but stare at Logan with this face that just looked like his whole life was falling apart. It made Logan sick to think that James was going to even try to pretend that he was concerned. The pretty cunt only cared about himself, and Logan couldn't care any less about how James fucking felt.

The four boys finally came to a stop, standing next to Kendall and Carlos' cars. James climbed on the hood of Kendall's and Logan just stood there, wishing he would fall off of the side and break his leg. He finally tore himself away from his pointless wishing and looked over at Kendall. "So, what's the plan for tonight? Whose party are we going to? I hear Guitar Dude is having one tonight that's sure to get crazy," he said, eager to see whose house he would be getting shit-faced in that night. Kendall and Carlos exchanged nervous glances before James spoke. "We aren't going to any parties tonight".

Logan ignored the pretty boy and continued to look at his two friends. "Well?" He questioned when neither of them responded. Kendall scratched the back of his neck and looked at the ground. "James just told you, bro. We aren't going to any parties tonight. We all talked about it, and we don't think you need to be out drinking or hanging around any girls for a few nights," he answered, knowing in his heart that Logan was **not **going to like what he was saying. The short brunette stared at his taller friend in disbelief. How did they have the nerve to discuss this? And when did they have time? "You guys fucking talked about this shit? When? And why the fuck would you honestly try and say you know what I don't need to be doing? You guys do the same shit every night, so why is it just me who's getting lectured about it?" he asked angrily, watching Kendall, Carlos, and James shift as his voice grew louder and louder with each word.

James spoke again. "Carlos called us when he went to your place and-" "I wasn't fucking asking you, I was asking Kendall and Carlos, so stay the fuck out of it, James," Logan cut him off, holding a hand up to silence the taller brunette. James rolled his eyes and hopped off of the car. He opened the door and climbed in, slamming it shut and watching his friends continue to argue. Kendall let out a sigh and looked to Carlos for help. The Latino thought for a moment before he had the right words to say. "I called when I went over to your apartment and saw you so messed up, dude. And hey, look. We're just looking out for you, Logie. None of us are going out, okay? We're all staying in, so it's not like you're being left out of anything," he finally said, feeling a little more at ease when he saw Logan relax a little at hearing his nickname. Of course, Logan still wasn't happy, but it didn't matter. If they weren't going to take him to a party, he didn't have a way. He couldn't ride the bus because too many fans would see him and flip shit. He didn't have a bike, and he really couldn't call anyone else to pick him up.

He huffed when he realized he wasn't getting his way this time and he moved to get into Carlos' car. He could see him and Kendall talking outside of the vehicle, and he knew they were talking about him, but he was over it. James was still pouting in Kendall's car, arms crossed and facing away from all of the boys. _Good, _Logan thought, _He shouldn't have fucking talked to me, anyways._

When Carlos finally got in the car, Logan sighed. He couldn't believe his friends, sometimes. "Logan, please don't be mad," the Latino said as he started the car and began to pull out of the parking lot. Logan glared in the boy's direction. "Don't be mad? Dude, don't even. The three of you went and talked about me and my situation behind my back. How would you feel if I did that to you? You'd be pretty fucking mad, too," he spat, anger building up in him, again. Going out and drinking was the only thing that got Logan through the long nights. Sleeping with random girls was the only thing that almost got him through that _issue _with James. And now, his three 'friends' were taking that away from him. They were taking it away from him and telling him that they're looking out for him. Yeah-fucking-right.

Carlos didn't say another word the entire ride back to Logan's apartment. The air in the car was so thick that it was hard to breathe and Carlos was pretty sure Logan wouldn't mind if he didn't breathe at that point. When the car was parked, Logan yanked his seatbelt off and shoved the car door open. Carlos shook his head climbing out as well, watching Logan stomp up to his apartment door and struggle to find the door key. It was getting dark outside, and the only light was coming from a small bulb above Logan's door. "Just take it easy, Logan. You won't find the key if you keep acting like that," he said, crossing his arms over the top of the opened car door. Logan ignored his friend's comment and continued his search for the right key. If he didn't find it soon, he was going to kick the fucking door down. "I'm heading home. If you need me, call me. I love you, bro," Carlos said, slipping back into his car and closing the door. He waited until Logan found his house key and went inside before he pulled away and headed to his house.

"Fucking pricks," Logan muttered after he locked his apartment door and stomped through the living room, " 'Just take it easy' " he mocked. He tore his shirt off and threw it on to the couch with other various articles of his clothing. "It's hard to take it easy when you have all this shit in your mind, and the only thing that helps is the one thing your friends snatch away from you!" he screamed, fighting to get his pants undone. All he wanted to do now was strip down to his boxers, find an old bottle of vodka in his cabinet, and drink himself to sleep. After struggling with the zipper on his jeans, he finally managed to get the pants undone and off, leaving them on the kitchen floor. He made his way to the cabinets above the microwave and threw them open, searching frantically for anything alcoholic. "C'mon, c'mon," he muttered, pushing through boxes of cereal and green tea mix. "Yes!" he exclaimed when his hand came in contact with a bottle of Jack Daniel's that he had stashed away a month ago. He tore the lid off and took a huge swig, wincing as the whiskey burned his throat and insides. Just what he fucking needed.

He willed himself to move from where he stood, feet dragging heavily as he made his way to his bedroom. The room was wrecked, just as he had left it that morning. The sheets were strewn all about the bed, and his clothes from last night and many nights before littered the floors, accompanied by countless condom wrappers and pill bottles. He threw himself down on his bed and groaned at the smell of sweat and sex. He was definitely going to have to eventually wash these sheets. Just as he was about to get comfortable, he heard his cell phone going off from his pants pocket in the kitchen. For a moment, he thought about letting it ring, and then he found that the noise was extremely annoying and not letting up. He set his bottle of Jack on his bed-side table and climbed up out of bed. "Hello?" he answered the phone once he had reached it. "Hey, Logan. I just got home, but Kendall just called and I think he and James are coming over to play some NHL if you want to come, too," Carlos said into the phone.

Logan sighed, rubbing his free hand over his face. He didn't want to hang out with them. Especially not after they had conspired against him. "Not tonight, Los," he finally said, deciding to just be civil about it instead of yelling at the Latino like he really wanted to. He heard Carlos huff on the other end. "You sure, dude? I think James is borrowing his friends' car, so I could have him swing by and pick-" "Don't send James to my place. Don't send anyone over. I'm not in the mood to hang out tonight, so you guys just have fun without me," Logan said before his friend could even finish. For a second, he felt really bad for being so mean to Carlos. Out of all the boys, he and Carlos were the closest. Or, at least they used to be. Another huff came through the phone, and Carlos had finally given up. "Fine, Logan. Suit yourself". And then he hung up.

Determined to forget the entire day, Logan made his way back to his bedroom and picked up his bottle of whiskey. He fell back onto the bed again, pressing the bottle to his lips and tilting it up until the drink filled his mouth and throat, liquid spilling past his lips and trailing down his neck and onto the bed sheets. His whole body was warm from the alcohol, eyes drooping shut as he let the liquor set in. He could hear Carlos' voice in the back of his mind, offering to have James come pick him up. He clenched his eyes tightly as the pretty boy's face appeared behind his eyelids. James. The unobtainable. The perfect in every way. The reason for all of this _pain _Logan put himself through. The only person Logan had ever wanted.

He took another long drink from the bottle in his hand before he finally let go and let all of his anger and self-pity set in. His face caved in as he let himself cry for the first time since it had happened. Before he could even beg himself to push the memory aside, his mind took over and his thoughts clouded over with the images from that night.

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Again, I apologize for the lack of smut, but this just grew and grew as I wrote and I didn't want to make it unbearable to read. I hope you all don't hate me too much. Please read and review! c:


	4. Tormented

Holy shit, I'm so sorry for not posting this sooner. I've been so off and on with this chapter that it's unreal. I couldn't decide if I like the idea for it or not, and so I erased everything I had written and started over. This is the flashback I promised, and I do hope you all enjoy it. I decided to bring Kendall's character into this chapter, because I haven't really elaborated much on him.

Forewarning, I start back to college next week, and so my updates are going to be all over the place. I hate it, and I'm going to try my best to keep them coming as often as possible, but considering the fact that my grades were absolute **shit **last semester, I'll have to write when I have the time. I do apologize, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

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_Logan felt the cool night air nipping at his cheeks as he and James searched for the ladder in Logan's apartment. Neither of them knew why but, for some reason, they really wanted to lay on the roof of the apartment and look up at the sky. "Found it," James giggled, tripping slightly as he pulled the ladder out from the space between Logan's refrigerator and wall. Logan hiccuped, giggling as well before he started to tug James towards the front door. "Hurry up, before the stars disappear," he urged with a grin on his face. Sure, nothing he was saying really made sense, but it didn't matter because in that moment, he was drunk and spending his evening with an equally drunk James._

_The two stumbled out of the front door laughing at each other and muttering incoherent sentences into the night air. They walked to the side of the apartment and James leaned the ladder against the wall before he stepped back and looked up the length of the metal giant. He looked at Logan and winked before slowly making his way up on to the roof. Maybe climbing a ladder while intoxicated wasn't a good idea, but neither of the boys were really looking at the consequences of it at the time. Because, hey. The stars were out, and they only have a certain amount of time to be in the sky._

_"C'mon up, Logie!" James called once he was atop the apartment. He peeked his head over the side and grinned down at his friend whose feet were still planted firmly on the ground. "Coming!" Logan sing-songed back to his handsome friend, lifting his leg to place his foot down on one of the steel steps. He took his time, looking up at James once more before carefully maneuvering up the ladder, placing one foot above the other until he reached the top. James offered his hand out to the smaller brunette, Logan hastily reaching out and taking it in fear that he might fall and die. Or at least break his arm. A soft sigh escaped James' lips as he settled onto his back with his arms behind his head. Logan mimicked his friend's actions, settling a little closer to the pretty boy than he normally would have. He smiled lazily up at the sky before he spoke. "I can't believe I've never done this before," he said as his eyes connected stars together to form shapes._

_James turned his head to look at the smaller boy. "You've never been on a roof before?" he asked and Logan simply laughed at his question. "I meant that I've never actually taken the time to look at the stars," he replied, casting a quick glance at his friend. James hummed in response, setting his gaze back on the sky. Everything was quiet outside; there were no animals making noise, or crickets, or even cars whirring by. The world was at peace, and Logan closed his eyes and breathed deep. He could feel James stirring beside him and he opened his eyes only to close them again when he felt James' lips against his own. Logan didn't pull away or freak out or even lose his breath. He simply kissed James back and sighed as their lips moved together. When James did pull back, Logan smiled up at him. "What was that for?" he asked, his heart pounding just a little harder than it had been. James shrugged and smiled back. "I don't know. It just seemed appropriate, I guess," came the reply and Logan wasn't really sure what to say, so he remained silent._

_Neither of the boys spoke for a few minutes after that. They just looked at one another, trading off smiles and sighs. Suddenly, as reality struck him, Logan was full of questions. His best friend had just kissed him on his rooftop. His best friend that just happened to be another male. James could see the wheels turning in Logan's mind and he laughed softly. "No, Logan. I'm not gay, before you even ask. You're just really fucking cute sometimes, and I just wanted to kiss you," he stated, reaching to run his fingers over the smart boy's cheek. Logan smirked and sat up. "Well, you're really fucking cute all of the time, and maybe I just want to kiss you, again," he responded, eyes traveling to peek at James' full lips. The taller boy raised an eyebrow and returned Logan's smirk. "Then by all means, be my guest"._

_And that was all it took for Logan to lean in and capture the boy's lips with his own. This kiss was different the first one. There was something in it that neither of the boys had ever felt before; something strong and dangerous and all-together foreboding. Logan dared to let his tongue flick out against James' bottom lip and he let it slide along the crease before James eagerly parted those perfect lips and allowed him to explore. The two boys moaned, shocking themselves, as their tongues met and fought for dominance. James won and only because Logan just simply didn't want to put up and unnecessary struggle. He wanted James to take control. He's always wanted James to take control._

_Things had gotten heavier before either of them knew what was happening. Logan groaned as James sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and bit down, pulling on it roughly and then letting it flick back into place. This kiss was nothing but teeth and tongue. It was painful, but erotic at the same time and Logan couldn't stop the moan that passed through his lips and into James' eager mouth. The taller brunette pulled back and look dead into Logan's eyes, a silent question burning behind his hazel orbs. Logan took a deep, uneven breath as he tried to run over the consequences in his mind. Nothing was making sense at that point and he could tell by the look on James' face that the boy was impatient, so Logan through all thought to the wind and smiled. "Let's get off this roof," he mumbled, pressing a kiss to James' lips before sitting up completely and sliding towards the edge of the house. His legs were shaking as he threw them over the ledge and placed his feet on the hard steps on the ladder, heart racing at the idea of what was about to happen. When he and James were both safely grounded, he cast a quick glance in the pretty boy's direction before reaching for the hem of his navy blue v-neck and pulling the taller boy towards the front of the house._

_Once the boys were inside the apartment, James pressed himself against Logan's backside, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy's waist and pressing his lips to the side of his neck. Logan's eyes fluttered closed as James began sucking at nipping at the sensitive skin behind his ear and he moaned, resting his head back against the taller boy's chest. "Mmm, Logie," James breathed against the moist spot he had just created on Logan's neck. The shorter boy bit his lip as he realized how hard he was. He needed James, and he needed him right the fuck then. "C-come on," he said, taking James' hands and pulling him towards his bedroom with a smirk that would have anyone on their knees plastered to his face. After the pair were locked in Logan's room, the shorter boy let go of James' hands and backed away, that sinful, crooked smirk never once leaving his face. He reached for the hem of his own shirt, pulling it over his head and tossing it onto the floor. He laughed, playfully, as he reached for the button on his jeans and popped it through the hole, unzipping them and slowly sliding them down his hips. James all but groaned as he watched Logan undressing, his own length pressing painfully hard against his denim jeans. He'd never seen this side of Logan before and it was turning him on beyond belief._

_Logan sat down on the edge of the bed once he had stripped down to his boxers. He leaned back a little and then beckoned James over with his index finger. The tall brunette moved closer to where Logan was sitting and smiled down at the smaller boy who was looking up at him with wide, innocent eyes. "Take this off," the smaller boy said, pushing James' shirt up and humming contentedly as the boy complied and exposed all of his perfect, tanned chest and stomach to him. Logan began to work at unfastening James' tight jeans, hands moving quickly as he leaned forward and began placing kisses along the waistband of the fabric he was fighting with. It took him a few more seconds, but as soon as the jeans were undone, Logan tugged them down, watching as James stepped out of them and kicked them to the side. With another smirk cast up at the pretty boy, Logan placed his hands on James' hips and pulled him so that he was eye-level with James' cock. James looked down at his friend, biting down hard on his bottom lip as he reached out to bury his fingers in the boy's short locks. "Please, Logan," James breathed as the shorter boy began mouthing at his cock through the flimsy material of his boxers. Logan simply smiled and placed a soft kiss to James' hip before he hooked his fingers under the elastic of the boy's underwear and pulled them down._

_"Tell me what you want, James," Logan breathed, looking up at the boy with the most innocent face he could muster. The taller boy tightened his grip in Logan's hair and groaned. "Fuck, ugh. Just, put my dick in your mouth and suck me off," he replied, sweat already beginning to form on his his cheekbones. Logan could only comply and so he leaned forward and took the head of James' cock in his mouth, sucking lightly while using his hand to stroke the length that wasn't in his mouth. James moaned about him, head lolling back and eyes snapping shut. "Oh, fuck, yeah," he moaned as Logan took him deeper into his mouth until his gag reflex told him it was enough. James was warm between his lips, hard and long against his tongue. Logan was finally getting what he wanted, and he moaned around the boy as he thought about it. "Mmm, that's it, baby. Nice and slow," James breathed, guiding Logan's head back and forth between his legs and sighing. James wasn't gay. But he'd be damned if this wasn't the best head he'd ever gotten._

_Logan's jaw was starting to hurt before long, and his lips were sore from being stretched around James' thick member. He pulled off with a wet 'pop' and tried to catch his breath. James groaned at the lack of contact and looked down at Logan, immediately needing to be inside the boy. Logan looked so **sexy**. His face was flushed and his hair was slightly tousled from James' grip in it. His lips were red and his eyes were dark, lust apparent in them. James couldn't wait. He put his hands on Logan's shoulders and eased him back until he flat on the bed. He took the opportunity to rid Logan of his boxers and he threw them onto the floor with his own. He gently pushed Logan's knees apart, crawling between them and moaning as Logan's hole became visible. Logan was embarrassed, and he tried to close his legs but James stopped him with a smile. "You're beautiful," he said, leaning down and pressing a quick kiss to Logan's forehead. The smart boy blushed. No one had ever told him he was beautiful before, and coming from the most gorgeous person he'd ever seen, it meant a lot. _

_James placed two fingers at Logan's lips, making a small noise as the boy took them into his mouth and coated them with his saliva, tongue working around and between the digits. James let him suck on his fingers for a minute or two before he removed them and positioned himself so that he could tease Logan's entrance with his index finger. Logan moaned, closing his eyes and then gasping as James slid the finger completely inside of him. He'd never done this before and it was slightly uncomfortable at first, but as soon as the finger started moving inside of him, he sighed happily. James gave him a few minutes to get used to the intrusion before he introduced a second finger alongside the first. He felt Logan tense up at the second finger and so he slowed his movements. "You alright?" he asked, looking up at the smaller boy and praying to God that he said he was fine. "Mhm, yeah. Keep going," Logan urged, wincing slightly as the fingers were being moved again. James began to scissor his fingers, working the tight muscles open and watching his fingers disappear inside of his friend. It was the single hottest thing he'd ever seen and as badly as he didn't want to, he removed his fingers and crawled back over Logan._

_"Ready?" he asked, looking down at the boy beneath him. Logan looked nervous, but he smiled all the same and nodded as he let his hands travel up to wrap around James' neck. The pretty boy moved slightly to position himself at Logan's waiting entrance, looking into his eyes once more before sliding in completely. Logan gasped, clenching his eyes shut and finding himself breathless. Two fingers had **not **been enough to prepare him for this. He whimpered as he felt James slowly began to move his hips; he could feel every inch of James inside him and it fucking hurt, but he never wanted it to end. Moments passed before anything felt good, and Logan had relaxed. His arms were still draped loosely around the taller boys neck, head rested back against the pillow as James thrust into him. James angled his hips, thrusting in deep and fast. Logan's eyes shot open and he cried out as James his something inside him. He'd never felt anything that was that good, and he let his hands fall to James' biceps. "Oh, fuck. Do that again," he breathed, looking down between them to watch as James did as he was told. Another cry poured out from Logan's mouth and James was satisfied that he'd found the boy's prostate.  
_

_Their orgasms were already building up as the pretty boy continued his assault on Logan's spot. All it would take was a few more well-aimed thrusts, and Logan would be spilling over the edge. He moaned, pulling James down and kissing him roughly. When they pulled apart, Logan pressed his lips against James' ear, biting down before kissing at his neck. "God, James. You're so fucking big. Love how you fill me with your hard cock. Gonna come," he breathed, pressing kisses to the side of the boy's face. That was it. James shoved into Logan one last time, sending the boy over the edge and following almost immediately after. He thrust into the boy a few more times, riding out his orgasm and then pulling out. He collapsed next to Logan, pulling the boy close and resting their sweaty foreheads against each other. He smiled and kissed Logan once more before they curled up together and fell asleep._

Logan could feel the tears soaking into his pillowcase as he drank the last tiny sip from his bottle of whiskey. He remembered the morning after he and James had slept together. Remembered how it was supposed to be perfect. And then he remembered how disastrous it had really been. He had woken to the sound of water running in the bathroom. He could still picture himself climbing out of bed and slipping his pants back on. He'd walked into the bathroom to see James fixing his hair in the mirror, and so he had smiled and walked up behind him to wrap his arms around the pretty boy. James had turned around and looked at him with a confused expression. All Logan had wanted was for James to smile and say that he loved him. He wanted them to stay in bed that day and be lazy, sharing kisses and laughing. When Logan had offered James an "I love you" all he had gotten in response was a "Don't be silly, Logan. We were drunk, and it didn't mean anything".

That was the day Logan would never forget, because that was the day his entire world had started falling apart. His eyes flooded with tears, again, and he wasn't even trying to hold them back. There was no point anymore. He heard someone knocking at his apartment door, but he wouldn't answer. No one should have to see him like this. Ever. He groaned as he heard his front door unlock, open, and then close. So much for no one seeing him like this. "Logan?" he heard Kendall's voice ring through the quiet apartment. He remained silent, his sobs the only noise in the room. He could hear Kendall's footsteps getting closer to his room. He was going to find him, and there was absolutely no way of bullshitting his way through this. His bedroom door opened and Kendall peered in, eyes widening at the sight of his friend on the bed, sheets darker in the spots where his tears had fallen. "Oh my God, Logan, what the fuck?" he asked, quickly rushing over to the bed and pulling Logan up into his arms.

The shorter boy sobbed violently against the blonde's plaid shirt, eyes burning from having been crying so long. "Logan, talk to me. What's wrong?" Kendall urged, staring down at the tormented boy in his arms. He'd never seen Logan in such a bad state, and it broke his heart to know that something was troubling him this much. "I- I can't tell you!" Logan cried out, shaking his head and clutching Kendall's shirt in his fingers. Kendall wasn't having it. He put his hands on Logan's shoulders and moved him away to stare into the boy's red-rimmed eyes. "No, fuck that, Logan. That's such bullshit, and you know it. You can tell me anything," he replied, concern etched across his normally nonchalant features. Logan hesitated, unsure of whether or not it would be a good idea. James had told him not to ever tell anyone. And he hadn't. He caved, crying harder as he began to explain.

"Kendall, I- James and I slept together last fall. H-h-he told me not to tell anyone, because i-it was s-s-supposed to mean n-nothing. But, it.. it did! It meant everything, and a-a-all I wanted was for him to lo-" he choked, coughing harshly and closing his eyes. Kendall rubbed his back soothingly and waited for the boy to continue. "All I wanted was for him to love me, and he didn't. I don't even fucking know why I thought he would. I mean, look at me! I'm pathetic! Completely worthless and this is what I deserve for even wanting his affection. I sleep with all of those girls.. because they all resemble him in some way. And I guess I-I thought sleeping with them would fix things. But it doesn't. And neither does this drinking. But it's the only way to ease whatever the fuck this is that I'm feeling," he sputtered out, fists angrily bunching up against Kendall's chest. Every time he had to talk about James, it made him angry.

The blonde boy was taken back. He couldn't speak for a moment as he listened to Logan spill his guts on the bed before him. He never would have guessed that Logan and James had slept together. And he never would have guessed that the lack of love Logan had in his life would cause such a horrible lifestyle. He finally composed his thoughts and shushed Logan's rambling. "Hey, no, stop. Logan, that's heavy shit, bro. It really is, and I wish I had some kind of fucking advice to give you, but I don't. All I know is that you can't live like this. Drinking, sex, it's not going to fix anything. It's only going to kill you," he stated, looking all around the room as he tried to explain. Logan loosened his grip on Kendall's shirt. "Then maybe I'm doing something right. I'd rather be dead than deal with this," he stated, gasping as he felt Kendall's hand slap hard against his face. "Don't you ever fucking say that, again. You're life is so fucking valuable, Logan. And just because one person doesn't love you like you want them to doesn't mean you'll never find someone else. You just have to shape up and forget about all of the shit he put you through. He's human, and you are, too. And you're going to have to let this go, because I don't want to watch you ruin anymore of your life," Kendall said angrily. Logan should never feel like his life wasn't worth living. And Kendall couldn't believe the smart boy had even mentioned that he'd be better off dead.

Logan wasn't in the mood to listen to Kendall's pep-talks that night, and Kendall could see that. He gave up on trying to cheer the shorter boy up and so he sat there with him, letting Logan cry into his chest until he fell asleep. He knew it wasn't his place, but he had a few things to say to James when he got back to Carlos' house.

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Again, sorry for not posting this sooner. I'm still unsure about this chapter but I didn't want to put it off any longer. Please read and review, because every little review helps keep me inspired with this. You all are the best!


	5. Regret

I'm posting this tonight because I needed to get this out of my head. I honestly don't know if it's any good, because I have so much going on in my mind right now, and I just don't feel too sporty, anymore. Hey, jealousy? Yeah, you should fuck off. Because you're getting up in my face for stupid shit. Anyways, I really hope you guys like this chapter. And I hope that I can work in some happy!Logan time in the next couple of chapters. We'll see!

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After having sat in bed with a sleeping Logan for what seemed like hours, Kendall finally decided that he should head back to Carlos' house for two reasons. One, because Carlos was probably pissing all over himself with worry, and two, because he had a mouthful of things to say to James after what Logan had confessed to him. He slipped out from underneath Logan's sheets, taking one last look at the emotionally exhausted boy. His face was still red and his eyes were slightly puffy from crying. He looked so weak and the blonde knew it was because, well, _he was_. He had been carrying all of the hurt and heartache on his shoulders without telling anyone about it. He had to live with that memory of what James had said to him, what James had taken from him, every day. Kendall shook his head and reached out, running his fingers through the smaller boy's hair with a sigh. "You'll be alright, Logie. I promise," he whispered, straightening himself up and then heading for the door.

The drive back to Carlos' was a short one and Kendall was thankful for that. He had so much to say to James and if the ride had been much longer, he probably would've forgotten some of it. He pulled into Carlos' yard, taking a deep breath and trying to collect himself. He knew that if he didn't, Big Time Rush would be a big time trio. He turned his car off and pulled the keys out of the ignition with a little more force than necessary and the blonde could feel all of that anger building up again, his temper starting to flare before he had even gotten out of the car. He talked to himself the entire way up to Carlos' front door simply hoping that he wouldn't explode when he saw James. He reached for the door knob and sighed, turning it and pushing the door open. Carlos was the first one in front of him, chocolate eyes full of worry and concern. "Kendall, Jesus Christ, is everything okay? God, you could have at least called me or something to let me know you were staying over there with him for a while!" he blurted, holding a hand over his heart and trying to regain his breathing pattern.

Kendall could only smile and nod, putting a reassuring hand on Carlos' shoulder. "Dude, relax. I'm fine. Where's James?" he asked, eyes furiously scanning the room for the taller boy. Carlos raised an eyebrow and pointed to the kitchen. "He's in there… why?" he asked before taking a step out of the way as Kendall moved past him. "I just have something to talk to him about," the blonde responded, and the latino didn't ask another question. He simply took that as his sign to drop the subject and started to rearrange the pictures on his wall. When Kendall walked in to the kitchen, he felt his heart start to beat faster in his chest at the sight of the pretty boy sitting at the kitchen table. He was getting angry all over again and he could tell that this was going to get ugly.

"You're pathetic, you know that?" he seethed, his teeth grinding together as he looked at James. The pretty boy looked up from his cereal with a look of absolute confusion and he glanced around for a moment. "I'm sorry that I wanted cereal at three in the morning?" he replied, letting his spoon fall back into his bowl of corn flakes. Kendall offered a sarcastic laugh, daring to move closer to the edge of the table. "Logan told me about what happened with you two," he said, smirking at how James' face paled at his words. The taller boy swallowed hard, his expression unreadable. "H-he did what?" was all he could muster. Kendall let his hands rest on the table as he leaned down to look into the boy's eyes. "You fucking heard me. He told me about how you had sex with him. And he told me about what happened when you two woke up," he repeated, edging even closer to James, "Just who the fuck do you think you are, sleeping with him and then having the nerve to tell him that you were drunk and it meant nothing? Are you seriously that fucking stupid, James? You had one of the most amazingly talented, smart, beautiful human beings underneath you and then beside you that night, and you're going to tell me it meant nothing? Have you seen him lately?" the blonde fumed, voice elevating as he spoke. James was still speechless. Logan had promised he wouldn't tell anyone...

Carlos was silently watching from the doorway. He knew something like this would happen. He didn't know that James and Logan had slept together, but he knew that eventually, he would watch his friends fall apart over _whatever _Logan had been so wrecked about. He wouldn't dare say anything at this point. Kendall was angry, and when Kendall was angry, he was not one to be fucked with. So he let it go, and continued to search his spotless living room for something to clean.

James looked down at his cereal bowl, a million thoughts going through his mind all at once. Kendall yelling at him was not making him very happy, but when he actually heard the boy say what he had done to Logan, he realized just how much of a dick he had been. Two fists pounded angrily down on the table, and the boy's eyes shot up. "Fucking answer me, James. Have you seen him lately?" he repeated, the look on his face striking undeniable fear in James' heart. He swallowed again, flinching slightly as Kendall moved his hands. "Y-yes, I've seen him, Kendall. I see him almost every day," he replied, his voice faltering as he spoke. The blonde stood up straight and crossed his arms. "He's the way he is right now because of _you. _And I hope you never fucking forget that. _You're _the reason he's drinking himself unconscious. _You're _the reason he seeks out slutty girls to sleep with. All because you didn't fucking love him back. You didn't even give him a _chance_," he breathed, heart breaking as he spoke about his friend. He couldn't believe their lives were coming to this.

"Kendall, I'm not gay! I fucking told him I wasn't gay!" James screamed, climbing to his feet and covering his face with his hands as he paced the floor. He was getting a headache, and Kendall really needed to back the fuck up and get off of his case. The blonde wasn't relenting. At any pace. "If you aren't gay, then why the fuck did you sleep with him, James? Seriously. Dude, you're making me so sick right now, I can't even.." he said, turning around and making sure he couldn't see any part of James. At that moment, the pretty boy's existence made him flat-out sick to his stomach. James rolled his eyes. "I don't have to be gay to sleep with another guy. Logan's really fucking cute, and-" he stopped himself, covering his mouth and looking down at the floor. He was _not _saying that, again. Kendall laughed and shook his head, turning back around to face the taller boy. "You know what? We'll leave it at this. Since you're 'not gay' and everything, you should go talk to Logan. Tell him you're not gay, and at least try to work things out. Have a little dignity and show a little respect for the boy who is drinking himself crazy because of you," he stated, pointing his finger as hard as he possibly could in his friend's direction. He stomped his foot angrily and turned on his heel, leaving the kitchen and heading back towards the living room.

The pretty boy slumped, throwing himself down into his chair and picking his spoon back up. He made aimless circles in his cereal as he thought about what Kendall had told him. He probably should talk to Logan, but the boy didn't want anything to do with James. He decided he really couldn't blame him, after all. He _wa_s kind of the biggest dick on the planet to him. He sighed as Carlos walked in and stood next to the fridge beside him. "You know, hey. Not trying to get into this or anything but, Kendall's right. You really do need to talk to him," the Latino said softly, looking down at the floor. This wasn't his business, but he wanted things to be okay, again. He wanted to see Logan happy and sober. James looked over at the boy and shrugged. "Okay, so I need to talk to him. But how am I supposed to talk to him when he won't listen to anything I say? He ignores me when I talk, or he yells at me... What do I do, Carlos? What the fuck do I do?" he asked, searching his friend's eyes for some sort of answer. Carlos sighed, walking over and putting his arm around James' shoulder. "I can't tell you what to do to fix this, James. You've got to figure it out yourself. But, I have faith in you and I know you'll work it out," he replied, squeezing James' shoulder slightly and then heading back to the living room to join Kendall on the couch.

James was lost. He never thought in a million years that he, James Diamond, would be caught up in something like this. He never thought he'd be the one to break his best friend's heart. He never thought he'd be at a loss for words. And there he was, alone in his friend's kitchen, unable to even kind of come up with the right words to fix all the damage he'd done to one of the most amazing people he'd ever known. With another sigh, he climbed to his feet and walked out of the kitchen. Kendall and Carlos' eyes followed him to the front door, watching as he picked up his keys and jacket. "I'm going out for a little while. I guess I'll be back before daylight breaks," he said, turning and walking outside before his friends could even respond. He didn't know where he was going, but he figured a nice drive would clear his thoughts. And if it didn't, well then, he'd just have to find something else that would.

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Okay, so, like I said; I really don't know if it's any good. My heart and head want to explode and I'm sure you will find about a million fuck-ups in this chapter. I do sincerely apologize, and I hope you like it, anyway! I want to thank everyone, again. All of the readers who have added this to their alerts or their favorite stories, or even just reviewed. It means so fucking much to have your support as I write this, and I could never thank you all enough. I love every single one of you!


	6. Repeat

With posting this chapter, I honestly need to say that I have no idea where I was going with this at all. The idea I had made perfect sense in my mind and yet, when I wrote it all out, it kind of came out as a big mess of pointless writing. Today was my first day back and college and I've already got homework, so I can definitely say that writing is going to be very difficult to do this semester. I think that's why I'm updating so frequently right now. I just wanted to get out a lot of my ideas before it got to a point that I wouldn't be able to as often as I'd like.

I'm rambling. Okay, _anyways. _This is chapter six, and I hope that you like it. c:

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When Logan woke the next morning, he felt like he had been run over. His head was aching and his eyes were still sore from all the crying he'd done the night before. He sighed softly, shifting in his bed and turning on his side. He smiled, remembering that Kendall had stayed with him the night before. Opening his tired eyes, the boy's smile faded when he noticed a figure sitting in a chair next to his bed. It most definitely wasn't Kendall. He jumped completely off of the bed, tumbling to his feet in his haste. His heart was beating unbelievably fast as he remained on the floor trying his best to regain his composure. He swallowed hard clenching his eyes shut before he slowly peered over the top of his bed. As his mind registered who the figure was, Logan found himself immediately annoyed and angry, getting to his feet and throwing his sheets back onto his mattress.

"James, are you fucking kidding me? Why the fuck are you here? Get out, right now!" Logan screamed, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He walked around the bed and began to search his floor frantically for something to put on. He felt vulnerable and exposed standing there in his boxer-shorts. James had no business being in his house. The taller boy got to his feet and shoved his hands deep down into his pockets, his eyes following Logan's every move. "Logan, please. I just want to talk to you," he said, his voice coming out weak and soft. Logan couldn't look at him; he continued shifting through clothes on the floor as he was in no mood to deal with James. He let out a frustrated sigh when he couldn't find a pair of jeans and he stood up with his back facing the taller boy. "I don't want to talk to you, James. I want you to get out of my apartment and go back to pretending that every thing's okay between us," he responded, heart promising to break at the thought.

The taller boy walked closer to Logan, his face now taking a more determined look. "I'm not leaving until you fucking hear me out. I've been sitting here since five this morning running through every thing to say to you. So, just sit down and fucking listen!" James demanded, putting his hand on Logan's shoulder and turning him around. Logan, too tired to argue with the stronger boy, took a deep breath and moved back over to his bed. He threw himself down and crossed his arms before he slowly made himself look up at James, eyes innocent and he knew James could see through him. The pretty boy looked down and felt all of his confidence melt away. He'd never imagined that he would see Logan so wrecked; never imagined it hurt him as bad as it did.

He cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to figure out how to start. "Okay, um. Logan," he began, moving to sit next to the smaller boy on the bed, "I'm no good at trying to apologize. I'm selfish, and you fucking know that. But when Kendall came back to Carlos' last night and told me how bad I've hurt you, I... I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to go on being selfish, and I wanted to pretend like I didn't fucking care. I can't, Logan. I can't do that, because you're one of my best friends and I realize how horrible I was. I told you _that night _that I wasn't gay, and I shouldn't have kissed you. If I would have known things would have gotten so bad, I wouldn't have. What we did that night was.. it was wrong. And, I regret it more than anything because now I'm losing you over it," he said, not looking into Logan's eyes as he spoke. The smaller boy knew this was going to happen. He knew James would tell him he regretted everything, and that almost hurt as bad as James walking out.

Logan took a deep breath, turning slightly to look up at James. He closed his eyes and willed himself not to cry again. He'd already done enough of that. "I'm sorry that you feel that way, James. I really am. Because you know what? Since we're being honest, I'll go ahead and say a few things to you, too," he breathed as he edged back ever so slightly on his bed. "That night meant _everything _to me. Because I'd cared about you long before you even probably thought I was cute, if that was even true. The only thing I regret about that night is letting myself get so into you. I fell in love with you that night, James. I fucking _fell in love with you_. And you didn't even care. Did you feel anything at all for me that night? Or was it all just a show?" he asked, realizing just how pathetic he must have sounded. James finally looked at him, and Logan had never wanted to punch someone and hold them at the same time. He mentally kicked himself for thinking about touching the other boy.

"I- Logan, I don't know what I was feeling that night. Everything was moving so fast. One minute we were kissing and then the next we were in your bed," he replied, eyes darting frantically around the room, again. Logan sighed and then got to his feet, pacing in small strides across the floor. "Let's figure it out right now, then," he said, stopping and looking down at the pretty boy. James suddenly looked confused and Logan rolled his eyes. "Kiss me right now, James, and if you don't feel anything, we'll forget about it," he said, feeling a little more bold that he should have at the moment. He noticed James swallow before the taller boy go to his feet as well. "Logan, I'm not gay!" he said hastily, before Logan reached out and took him by the arms. "You know, James? You've already said that. You also said that the night you put your cock in me, so it clearly doesn't mean much to me at all. Fucking kiss me, already," he said, growing impatient. He needed to know if James felt something. Because, if he did, then they could go from there, and if not, then they could at least say they tried to fix the mess they'd made.

The taller brunette was still for a moment, knowing exactly what was about to happen. He finally gave in, leaning down and pressing his lips against the smaller boys. Logan stood on his tip-toes and his eyes fluttered closed as James' lips worked against his own, heart pounding in his chest and butterflies filling his guts. He still sure as hell felt something, and at the moment, it had nothing to do with hatred. He gasped slightly as the pretty boy licked at the seam of his lips, not expecting this kind of kiss at all. However, he opened his mouth and was instantly satisfied as James' tongue began to explore and play with his own. Logan let his hands rest idly on James' toned chest as they kissed, edging closer and closer to the pretty boy as he continued to lick at the insides of Logan's warm mouth. With a nip to Logan's bottom lip, James pulled away and looked down at the smaller boy. There was something different about the look in his eyes, but Logan couldn't place it and so he brushed it off. "Well? Anything?" Logan inquired softly, letting his hands fall away from James' chest and rest at his sides. James was hesitant, again. He moved back just slightly and looked Logan dead in the eyes. And what he did next was something he knew he'd end up doing.

He lied.

He cleared his throat, again, before scratching the back of his head. "Nothing. I felt nothing," came his reply and Logan could have seen this coming a mile away, because it was James. And James wasn't gay.

"Well, then. I'm sorry, and I guess we're done here," he said, feeling waves of embarrassment and hurt washing over his insides, drowning the butterflies that once occupied the space. He turned and went back to searching his room for something to wear, kicking himself for giving James another opportunity to hurt him.

"Logan, I-"

"No, just don't say anything. I understand that you didn't feel anything, and I can't make you love me, so we're done," the smart boy replied, finally finding his goddamned pants and folding them over his arm.

James sighed. He'd never be able to tell Logan that he'd felt something. Maybe if he could push his pride aside, he'd be able to, but he couldn't. His ego was clearly much bigger than his heart, and so he simply walked out, again. He'd gotten good at that.

"So...?" Carlos questioned when James returned to his apartment. He'd been anxious the entire night after Kendall had yelled at the pretty boy, and he'd started worrying when James hadn't come back to his place like he'd said he would. The taller boy moved past Carlos without saying anything. How could he tell him that he'd ruined everything for the second time? How could he tell him he'd let himself walk out, again? He ignored Carlos' incessant chatter behind him as he walked to the kitchen for something to drink. His throat was so dry and all he could taste was Logan. With a sigh, the boy sat down and stared into his glass of water. In all of his years of living, he'd never felt even half as stupid as he did right then, and he'd felt pretty fucking stupid.

Kendall was the next to ask the question, appearing out of no where and leaning against the kitchen counter. "You fucked up again, didn't you? You see, James. You wear your mistakes so clearly. Did you tell him you weren't gay this time? Because you know as well as I do that that's the most **bullshit **statement you've ever made," Kendall spat, shaking his head before walking back out and leaving James to sit and take in his statement.

Nothing was making sense in James' mind. He wasn't gay, but yet he'd felt something when he kissed Logan. Why were the two simply not adding up? He took another sip of his water and finally decided that it didn't matter now. He'd managed to break Logan's heart twice, and simply because he wasn't man enough to say that he might, maybe, just kind of, possibly be gay.

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I'm rushing this story, aren't I? I don't know why I'm so paranoid about this, but I am, haha. Okay. So. Definitely working in happy!Logan time in the next chapter. I can't keep writing him like this. At least not for long periods of time. He's gotta be happy for at least one chapter, right?

If you read this and you found any mistakes or have any suggestion as to how I could improve this chapter, please review and let me know. This chapter's probably the one I'm least comfortable with and I really want to know how I can **fix **it. Read and review, anyways, of course.

Thank you for keeping up with this! /heart


	7. Nouveaux

I am SO sorry for taking forever to get this chapter up. I could not keep the idea for this going at all, and today I just finally gave in and stuck with an idea. I've changed it so much, and I hope that it still turned out okay. c:

College hasn't been keeping me as busy as I thought it would, so maybe I can update enough to keep you all interested in this story.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Happy!Logan shall now ensue.

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A couple of weeks had passed since Logan and James had kissed in Logan's apartment and to say that things had been awkward ever since would have been an understatement. Neither of the boys knew how to act around the other; Logan still angry but more heartbroken, and James still itching to give in and confess to Logan that he had in fact felt something when their lips had met. Rehearsals with Gustavo had been the worst. The large man had insisted that James and Logan record their harmonies together because "you work well off of each other". It was an ironic statement, but it was completely true and that's probably what ate Logan up the most. When Carlos invited everyone over to watch movies and play video games, James would lie and say he had a date and Logan would say that he didn't feel good, which wasn't really a lie, but he wasn't sick.

Logan was tired of sitting around his apartment. He needed to get out and do something fun, again. He smirked, knowing exactly what to do to get his mind off of James and get back out in the world. Picking up his phone, he quickly punched in the phone number that belonged to none other than Carlos and waited patiently for the Latino to answer.

"Hello?" came Carlos' voice through the speaker. Logan pulled himself up off the couch and walked into his bedroom, immediately heading for his closet.

"Hey, Los. So, I was thinking. I'm seriously tired of sitting at home, and I was wondering if maybe you guys wanted to go to the club or something?" he replied, sorting through shirts that he could possibly wear, if Carlos was down. The Latino took a moment to think about it. He knew how Logan got when he went out, and he knew that it almost always ended with the boy finding a random girl, hooking up, and then drinking himself to sleep. As badly as he wanted to say no, he couldn't. Logan _did_ need to get out of the house. And maybe tonight would be different. He sighed, caving in. "Alright, Logie. I'll call the other guys and we'll be there to pick you up in about... twenty minutes," he stated, and Logan could not have smiled any wider. "Sounds good. Later, bro," he said, ending the call and tossing his phone on to the bed.

Logan was determined that tonight was going to be good for him. Even with James around, he was going to have fun and he was going to find someone to occupy his time. Did he have any intention of hooking up tonight? Definitely. Did he plan on getting trashed? Of course. Did he hope to feel better? With every bit of his heart. He finally settled on a dark, purple button-up and a pair of black jeans, quickly getting dressed and putting his shoes on. He looked at himself in his bathroom mirror, smiling when he decided to fix his hair for the first time in a month. He picked up his hair gel and poured a tiny bit into the palm of his hand, snapping the lid closed with a little help from his thigh and then setting the bottle back down. He lathered the gel onto both of his hands and then delicately ran them through his short brown locks, creating his usual faux-hawk.

It took him a few minutes to get it right since he hadn't done it in forever, but when he was finally satisfied with it, he washed his hands off just before he heard his doorbell ring. "Come in!" he yelled, as he exited the bathroom and headed back to his closet. He couldn't go to the club without his leather jacket. He snatched it from it's hanger an then headed to the living room, finding Kendall and Carlos waiting by the door. He smiled at the two boys before asking the question they all knew he would ask. "Where's James?"

Kendall rolled his eyes as he began to explain. "James is sitting on his ass at his house because he doesn't feel like partying tonight and he wants to relax," he mumbled, having been irritated with James ever since Logan had told him about their hook-up. Frankly, he was tired of the pretty boy lying to Logan about his feelings, and he was honestly _glad _that James wouldn't be hanging out with them. He'd only pout the entire time. Logan just nodded, his smile only faltering for a split second. "Okay, then. Well, it definitely didn't take you guys twenty minutes to get here," he replied, brushing off the tiny bit of sadness that began to twinge his heart. Carlos laughed and opened the door for everyone to walk out. "That's because as I was calling Eyebrows, here, he knocked on my door because he left his xbox controller the night before and he needed it. I told him we were going out and I was already ready so we just swung by his house for him to get decent clubbing attire. We called James from there, and since he wasn't going, we just headed over here," the Latino replied, locking and closing Logan's apartment door when everyone was outside.

The three boys piled into Carlos' car, Kendall ending up in the backseat because Logan "was short and couldn't see if he sat in the back". It was a lousy excuse to get shotgun, but it worked nonetheless. The ride to club was full of laughing, picking on Carlos' choice of driving tunes, and jokes. James' name wasn't brought up once the entire time, and it was refreshing to just be able to laugh and have fun, again. Logan hoped the rest of the night would run just as smoothly, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't already forgetting about the taller brunette.

xxx

As usual, the line to get into the club was ridiculous. People wrapped around the building, all dressed to impress and looking for a good time. It was nights like these that the boys were thankful to be famous. They walked up to the club bouncer and told him who they were, exchanging highfives as the large man undid the red-velvet ropes and let them through. "I think that's my second favorite part of being famous," Carlos yelled over the booming music as they entered the club. Logan and Kendall exchanged glances, Kendall questioning Carlos to find out what his first favorite thing was. The three laughed as Carlos stated his all-too-obvious answer; free food.

It was unbelievably hot in the club and Logan instantly regretted wearing his leather jacket. He slipped it off and placed it over a barstool as the three took a seat at the bar. This was routine; the boys always took a moment to sit back and search the crowd for a hot girl before heading out to pursue her. Kendall was the first to find one, settling on a tall brunette with long, curled hair. Her dress was barely existent and it didn't take long for him to make his way behind her, holding her hips as they danced. Carlos shook his head, looking at Logan. "He _would _find the biggest slut in here..." he yelled, laughing as Logan nodded in response. Kendall only got his kicks from dancing with sluts. He'd never take them home because, quite frankly, he didn't want that kind of drama in the morning. If he wanted to get laid, he'd go to the library. Cute girls _always_ hung out at the library.

"She's mine!" Carlos shouted, pointing into the crowd at a small girl with crimson colored hair. He patted Logan's shoulder with a crooked smile before hopping off of his barstool and strutting out towards the girl. Logan watched Carlos make light conversation with the girl, winning her over with his spanish charm. They began to dance and Logan sighed, leaning back against the bar. For some reason, as much as he'd wanted to early, he didn't feel like drinking tonight. He decided he'd rather remember this good night with his friends.

His eyes darted around the room in hopes that he'd find someone to dance with. No one was catching his eyes tonight, not even the skanky brunettes that were huddled together in the center of the dancefloor, pointing at him and smiling. "Is someone sitting here?" Logan turned his head to look at the girl who had asked the question. She was really pretty; short, with big blue eyes. Her blonde hair was put up in an elegant bun and she had big diamond earrings in. Her smile was flawless, white teeth perfectly straight. Logan smiled at her, shaking his head and watching as the girl sat next to him. She pulled at the bottom of her tiny black dress, cheeks turning pink as she tried to find a comfortable sitting position. Once she was settled she turned to look at Logan and offered her hand. "I'm Marie," she said, flashing her dazzling smile as Logan took her hand. "Logan," he replied, kissing the top of her hand instead of shaking it. Her cheeks colored again, and Logan couldn't get over how cute she was. "I know who you are. Every girl in this room probably knows who you are," she said, placing her hand back in her lap and leaning her arm against the bar.

Logan raised his eyebrow. "Is that the only reason you came over to talk to me? Because I'm famous?" he joked, hoping he didn't come off as arrogant. Marie's eyes widened and she shook her head. "No, no! Oh my God, no. I came over here because your friends left and I think you're really cute," she blurted, covering her mouth with her hand. Logan lowered his eyebrow and laughed, his own cheeks blushing slightly at the compliment. "Well, thanks. You're pretty cute, too," he responded, his dark eyes meeting her bright blues. She let her hand fall from her mouth and she giggled. "Thank you! Hey, do you maybe want to dance?" she asked, hearing a slow song come over the PA system. Seeing absolutely no reason to tell this beautiful girl no, Logan climbed to his feet and offered her his hand. She took it and they slowly worked their way into the crowd.

They immediately latched onto each other, smiling as they swayed in time to the beat. There was nothing erotic about it; it was simple, slow, and everything Logan had not been expecting on his night out. "So, how old are you?" Logan asked, nudging Marie's ear with the tip on his nose. She sighed against his chest and smiled. "Twenty," she replied, leaning in closer to the boy, "you?" He smiled, catching sight of Kendall dancing with the same slut he'd found earlier. The blonde boy winked at him and he laughed before replying. "Twenty-one".

Before the song was over, Logan had learned that Marie was twenty, lived on the beach, wrote music and played guitar. She liked fast cars and the planets and hoped that someday, she would own a recording studio. Logan had to admit, this girl was everything he could want in life. Smart, beautiful, full of dreams.. He liked her. And he was pretty sure she liked him, too. As the song ended, Marie looked up and smiled at Logan. "Hey, do you want to go grab something to eat?" she asked, keeping her hands on his hips. Logan looked up and Kendall and Carlos were watching him from across the room. Kendall must have said something to Carlos about Logan bonding with this girl. They both nodded their heads frantically with wide eyes and Logan looked back down at the blonde. "Sure. But, I don't have a car. My friends brought me here," he said, slightly embarrassed that he was telling her he was carless. She simply waved off the comment and reached for his hand, pulling him out of the crowd. "Not a problem. My parents bought me a car before I moved out here," she replied, and with that, they were leaving the club.

Marie took Logan to a small restaurant that he'd never heard of. It was quiet inside, and the entire room was lit in candle-light. Soft music floated through the air and Logan had never felt more relaxed in his life. Once seated, he and Marie instantly struck up conversation, again. He told her about all of his favorite things, his love for the planets as well, and how he'd broken his leg once in a hockey match. She told him about her apartment, and her cat and how she'd never broken anything, except for her laptop. The two hit it off, and Logan was so lost in this girl, that he hadn't even noticed his phone going off.

xxx

James had tried to call Logan three times. He needed to tell Logan how he felt. It was killing him to just sit there and know that he had all of these feelings for the boy. It was killing him even more to not be able to kiss Logan, or hold him, or even stand next to him. He _had _to get this out. When Logan didn't answer for the fourth time, James decided to just go over to his apartment. Maybe he would be home from the club and maybe he would be in the mood to listen, even though James had fucked things up the last time he tried to talk to Logan. He sighed, getting to his feet and walking to his mirror. He wanted to look nice, but with the amount of sleep he'd been getting and the constant reminder of his feelings plaguing his mind, James knew he wouldn't look very good at all. When he felt he looked somewhat presentable, he took a deep breath and made his way out of his house and to his car.

When James got to Logan's apartment, the boy wasn't there. All the lights were off and James knew that Logan _always _left his kitchen light on when he was home. His stomach growled and he scrunched up his nose. "Well, might as well get some food since he isn't home yet.." he mumbled to himself, pulling out of Logan's driveway and heading for the nearest McDonald's. The drive to the restaurant was hell. James couldn't think of anything but what Logan would possibly say to him when he confessed. Would he hate him still? Would he tell him to leave? Would he say he's moved on? James shook his head as he parked at the fast food joint. He needed to stop thinking so much.

He ate in silence, his nerves keeping his mind working. Unable to finish his meal, James slid out of the booth he'd sat in and threw his uneaten fries in the trash can. He took one more sip of his drink before throwing it away, as well. He'd only been away from Logan's apartment for about thirty minutes, but he decided he'd head back that way. You know, just in case.

As he turned down Logan's road, James felt a lump growing in his throat. There was a car in the driveway, but it didn't belong to Carlos or Kendall. He parked his car a good distance away from Logan's apartment when he noticed the doors to the car open. Long legs and black high heels were the first thing to emerge from the car, and James' could only feel his heart sink as a beautiful girl appeared and moved to the front of the car. His heart only sank deeper in his chest as Logan joined the girl and they made their way up to the apartment. He expected Logan to do the normal Logan thing and bring the girl inside, fuck her and then let her leave. He would have preferred him to do that, actually. Instead, Logan wrapped his arms around the girl and pressed an innocent kiss to her forehead. James could make out what Logan was saying to her, and he immediately hated this gorgeous female. _Let's hang out tomorrow night._

He waited for Logan to go inside before he put his car back in drive and sped away from the apartment. He couldn't believe that Logan had already found someone else. He couldn't believe that it would be on the _one fucking night _that he was ready to spill his guts and confess everything to the boy. He couldn't believe that this blonde _thing _had been able to steal Logan away that easily. If jealousy's the ugliest trait, James could only imagine how horrendous he must have looked. He didn't care. Logan belonged to him. He drove until he found himself back in front of Carlos' house. He was home, and James intended on telling the Latino just how he felt about this _girl _and about _his _Logan.

* * *

I don't know why I wrote this chapter like I did, but there it is, and I hope it's okay.  
Logan just really needed to be happy, and so I threw in a cute girl to keep him occupied.

And no, Ryan, if you even read this. This girl was NOT based off of me. c:

Please read and review!


	8. Runaway

I am such a bad person, I'm so sorry. This chapter has been all over the place and I feel awful that it's taken me so long to update. This was going to be a much, much, **much **longer chapter with a sex scene, but I realized how long it already was and so I just didn't write any sexual goodness. But, I will tell you that I will continue this chapter and there will be a sex scene with my next post. c: Which will also be much sooner this time. I definitely need to give a shout-out to someone on here about this chapter.

Anime Yaoi Lover- I honestly, whole-heartedly, undoubtedly went into this chapter with your criticism in mind and I had a good bit of it written like you had suggested. For some reason, I just couldn't leave it like that, and so I re-wrote it the same way I've been writing it. I am so fucking sorry, and I will apologize a million times for it. I am such a ~prick when it comes to my writing, and as I read what I had written, I realized that it just completely changed the flow (or lack of a flow, I guess) of what I've been writing. I will write a one-shot or something for you and totally use the criticism you gave me for this in it. I hope you don't hate me, and I hope you don't lose interest in this.

Okay, that was my rant. Here's chapter eight!

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"Wait, so, you sat outside of his apartment and _waited _for him?" Kendall asked as James tried to explain his story to Carlos. "Isn't that considered stalking?" he added, plopping down onto the Latino's couch with a bowl of cereal. James glared at the blonde, wishing some freak accident would happen and Kendall's face would get stuck in his bowl and he'd drown in his milk. "I wasn't stalking him, Kendall. I just went to talk to him. No one was there at first, so I went to get food and when I got back, some bitch was with him at the door. She didn't go in or anything, but I distinctly saw him say that he wanted to hang out with her tomorrow night," James replied, pissed that he had to go out of his way to explain that to Kendall. The blonde furrowed his eyebrows. "You can't read lips. He could have said something like, he wanted to bang her because he bets her pussy's tight," the blonde offered, a smirk playing at his lips.

James was not happy with this at all. Kendall _would _say something like that to make him mad. He just would, because he's Kendall and he does that shit. "You know what? Just shut the fuck up, okay? Why the fuck am I even talking to you?" James huffed, sitting down on the floor and crossing his arms. James was getting good at pouting. Carlos emerged from the kitchen holding two cups in his hands. He offered one to James, the pretty boy sighing as he took in the scent of pomegranate green tea. The latino boy sat opposite of the two taller boys, legs folded underneath his tiny body. He took in James' pout an immediately looked to the blonde boy eating cereal. "Kendall, the look on James' face tells me that you're not helping at all," he said, taking a sip of his steaming warm tea. Kendall shrugged, too busy eating his Pops to give a shit.

Getting no response from the blonde, Carlos turned back to James. "Anyways. Tell me what happened," Carlos demanded, settling back in his seat. He knew James would have some big, huge story about whatever happened and he knew he'd need to be comfortable. James huffed again, setting his tea on the table next to him and crossing his arms back. "I went to Logan's earlier tonight to talk to him. Because I'm tired of hiding the fact that I'm in love with him. And I'm tired of pretending that I'm not gay," he said, looking to Kendall who had slowed his attack on his cereal. "But," James continued, "when I got to his house, he wasn't there. So I got food, blahblahblah. He had a girl with him at his apartment, and he said he wanted to hang out with her tomorrow night. He looked really happy," James finished, face void of emotion. His insides were churning, the thought of the blonde girl making him sick.

Carlos cocked his head to the side. "What's wrong with him being happy, James? You guys went through a lot of shit, and he's kind of determined you don't care anything about him. He's just trying to move on," the Latino pointed out, instantly regretting it when he caught sight of the hurt that flashed in James' eyes. The pretty boy shook it off, climbing to his feet. "The thing that's wrong with him being happy is because he's happy with _someone else. _And I do care about him. I care about him so much, and I can't believe it's taken me this long to just be able to say it. Fuck, I guess it's too late, now," James realized, turning away from his friends. The reality hit harder than he imagined it would and in a matter of seconds his body trembled with sobs, his hands coming up to cover his face. Carlos instantly got up from his seat, setting his tea down and quickly moving to pull James into an embrace.

"Hey, hey, hey. Stop, now. It's not too late. You should still tell him what you're feeling. I'm not an expert when it comes to relationships or anything, but I know that if this was happening to me, and I was in Logan's position, I would want to know what's on your mind. Right Kendall?" Carlos asked, glaring over at the blonde who had a satisfied look on his face. The boy rolled his eyes and got to his feet as well. "Yeah, yeah. Look, I'm not going to pretend like I feel sorry for you, dude. You really messed Logan up. And you kind of deserve this shit. But, I will say that Carlos is right. Talk to him. Go over there in the morning when you don't look so hideous. Take him some flowers or some shit and just tell him. He might, for some ungodly reason, still care about you," the blonde remarked, not really helping the situation, but definitely setting James straight.

The pretty boy nodded, wiping his eyes and straightening up. "Fine. I'll go over there tomorrow, and I'll just let it out. I'll tell him everything," he said, more to himself than anyone else. He _had _to let this go. Because he finally understood how bad it felt for Logan. He finally understood what heartbreak was, and he wished to God he would have fixed this long before. Carlos playfully shook James and offered a smile. "There we go. Now, come on. You guys need to go to bed, because I have a strict curfew on Thursday nights, and I'm already breaking it," he said, trotting off to his bedroom to fetch sheets and pillows for the boys to sleep with. As he gathered his comfiest pillows for his friends, he smiled. He was glad to see James owning up for once. He'd watched the pretty boy run away from so many things in his lifetime, and so this side of James was definitely worth waiting for. Now all he had to do was worry about tomorrow. Because there was no telling what Logan would do, or how he would react to James' confession, especially now with this new girl in his life. All he could do was hope for the best.

xxx

James woke the next morning to Kendall kicking his leg. "James, oh my _God, _wake up!" he yelled, picking his pillow up off of the couch and hitting James in the back with it. The brunette turned over and stared up at Kendall, wondering what was going on. "Dude, chill out.. What?" he asked, sitting up and rubbing his still-tired eyes. He definitely had not been getting enough sleep. Kendall smiled and threw the pillow back onto the couch. "Logie-bear just called and invited us over. That means _you _need to get up right now and get over there before Carlos and I do so you can gush and whine about how stupid you are and ask Logan to be with you," Kendall teased, kicking the brunette once more before heading to the bathroom. James groaned and got to his feet. He gathered up his sleeping pallet on the floor and folded his sheets up so Carlos wouldn't have the chance to. He decided to get a quick shower and then drive back to his house to get fresh clothes; he definitely didn't need to show up to Logan's looking like he did now.

"Hey, where are you going?" Carlos asked after James had showered, dressed and headed back through the living room. James smiled as he opened the door. "I'm going back to my place to get some decent clothes. Hey, can you guys wait at least about an hour before you head over there? It's going to take me a while to get home and get re-dressed and then over to his place," the pretty boy asked his friend, his nerves kicking in as soon as he mentioned that he'd be going to Logan's apartment. Carlos raised an eyebrow and smiled back. "Of course! Now go! And don't chicken out. Tell him _everything_," the Latino replied, basically shoving his taller friend out of the door and closing it behind him. James didn't move for a minute or so; he just stood there, staring out in front of him. He was seriously about to do this, confess everything that he'd been keeping inside for forever to the one guy he'd hurt not once, but twice. He took a deep breath and headed out towards his car with a nervous smile plastered to his face. He just really hoped today went well.

James didn't spend much time at all at his house. He slipped into a pair of dark blue jeans and then settled on a simple, black, button up shirt, only taking about five minutes to style his hair. It was probably his nerves that kept him from being able to worry too much about his appearance that morning. He knew that if he stood infront of a mirror too long, he would only start picking out his flaws and lose the confidence he (kind of) had going. He needed every bit of that confidence for the task at hand and he prayed that it wouldn't fail him before he could get to Logan.

Taking one last look at his hair, James exited his bathroom and quickly made his way through his small home. He picked his keys up off of the table and then left his house, his nerves now turning into pure nausea. He'd never felt so sick over something in his life. He stopped at his car and leaned against it, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths to fight back the ever-present urge to just _vomit_. Since when did he get this upset over shit?

When he finally felt like he could move without puking, he turned himself around and climbed into his car. As he drove to Logan's, he kept telling himself that he would be okay; that he could do this. Because, he could. He just had to relax and quit worrying so much about the outcome. The drive to Logan's apartment seemed shorter than ever, and James didn't move for a good ten minutes after parking in the boy's driveway. His breathing was erratic, and it's a good thing he didn't have asthma because he would have been dying in that car. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. Get out of the car and go up there. This is the best chance to fix this shit, so do it. _He took a deep breath and opened his car door, stepping out and staring up at Logan's front door. Where was his confidence now?

He took tiny strides up to the door and when he knocked on the door, he realized just how badly his hands were shaking. _Turn around and run. Fucking run, right now_. The door opened and Logan stared back at him, a tiny smile dancing across his face. "Hey, James," he said, looking behind the boy, "where are Carlos and Kendall?" James let out a shaky breath and smiled back. "Um, they'll be here in a little while. God, um. Okay, I really need to talk to you," he replied, looking down at his feet and forgetting everything he'd wanted to say. Logan was silent for a minute or two before he spoke. "O-okay, well. Can we talk la-" "Logan, where do you keep your sugar?" James looked up quickly, his heart falling at the sight of that stupid blonde _bitch._ Logan tore his eyes away from James to look over at the girl. "It's in the second cabinet, left of the refrigerator," he replied, offering her a smile. She smiled back and then looked at James. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. I'm Marie, by the way," she apologized, sincerity smothering her words. James faked a smile and shook it off. "Nah, don't worry about it. James," he told her, hoping his disappointment wasn't evident in his voice. Content after getting his name, the girl walked back off into the apartment.

"So, um. Come in," Logan finally said after Marie had left, opening the door even wider and allowing the pretty boy to walk inside. They remained silent as they walked into the living room, both boys sitting down and avoiding eye contact. James couldn't believe that Marie was here. Her car wasn't in the driveway. And Logan didn't have a car to pick her up with, so that ruled him out. Of course, the one time he actually had planned on being honest and opening up, someone had to ruin it. "The cookies should be done in a little while," Marie said, walking into the room and sitting ridiculously close to Logan. He put his arm around her shoulder and took his eyes off of James. "Great! I know the guys will love them," he told her. He didn't really care about her cookies. All he wanted to know was what James had to talk to him about. He knew he'd probably end up hurt like every other time they had talked, but it didn't keep him from being curious. And, sure, Marie made him happy and he really liked her. But he still loved James, no matter what had happened with them, and that was undeniable.

James wished he hadn't told the guys to wait an hour before heading to Logan's. Marie was driving him crazy with all of questions about himself, and he hoped she'd let up if he kept feeding her short, half-assed answers. He wanted to leave; wanted to go home and strip down to nothing, shower again, and sleep for the rest of his life. So much for all that confidence.

xxx

"So... Did you talk to him?" Carlos whispered with a smile, wiggling his eyebrows as he sat next to James on the couch. The pretty boy turned his head to look at his friend and rolled his eyes. "Are you kidding me? _Marie _wouldn't shut the fuck up. And I wasn't going to just tell him with her here," he whisper-shouted back, glaring over at the blonde who was cuddled up next to Logan on the couch. Everyone was supposed to be watching a movie. The lights were down and the tv was on, but no one was interested. Kendall was lying on his back on the floor, texting like it meant life or death. Logan and the bitch were whispering back and forth to each other on the couch and James was pouting. Carlos' smile faded, and he thought quickly, searching for some way to get Logan and James alone. He snapped his fingers softly as he figured it out. "I have an idea," he said, looking at James, "Go into the kitchen and pretend like you're getting a drink. Call him in there because you can't find the cups or something," he offered, satisfied that he'd thought of such a brilliant idea. James looked skeptical. "Carlos, I know where the cups are..." he replied. Carlos glared at him and nudged him in the side with his elbow.

James scoffed, rolling his eyes and climbing to his feet. This wasn't going to work. He walked into the kitchen, heading to a cabinet and opening it before closing it, just to make noise. "Logan, where are the cups at?" he asked, his question coming out way too forced. "In the cabinet above the microwave," he heard Logan reply. James opened another cabinet, closing it more harshly than he had before. "Really? I don't see them!" he shouted, feeling like a complete dumbass. Carlos was going to get punched. There wasn't another reply and James shook his head, turning around to head out of the kitchen. He jumped when he saw Logan walk into the room. "James, seriously? They're right here," he said, opening the cabinet and revealing the cups James hadn't been looking for at all. The pretty boy swallowed hard, clearing his throat. "I knew where they were. This was Carlos' plan to get you away from everyone so we could talk," he replied quietly, feeling his heart beat speed up. Logan closed the cabinet and scratched the back of his neck. "Oh, um. Okay, then. What's up?" he asked, leaning against his kitchen counter.

Clearing his throat again, James moved towards Logan, stopping when he was standing infront of the smaller boy. Logan looked up at James and felt himself growing weak. "Logan, I-" James stopped when Marie walked in to the kitchen. _Is this really fucking happening? _She looked at the two boys and then at Logan. "Hey, sorry to interrupt, again. I just wanted to tell you that Aubrey is here to pick me up, so I guess I'll see you later," she said, smiling and walking up to hug Logan. He hugged her back, glancing at James and then pressing a kiss to her hair. She pulled away, waving to the pretty boy before leaving. James didn't do anything until he heard the front door to the house open and close. It was about time she left.

The silence came again, and James had to fix it. Before he could stop himself, James moved forward and pressed Logan's hips against the counter and then pressed his lips to the smaller boys. Logan started to pull away, mumbling something about his feelings for Marie between the kisses James was giving him. The pretty boy pulled away looking down at the smaller boy. "Logan, I love you. Fuck everything I've ever done to you or said to you that would make you think otherwise. You're my everything and I can't believe how bad I treated you, just to try and get away from the fact that I'm gay. And if you don't care for me anymore, then it's fine. But, I couldn't keep lying to you about what I was feeling, and I couldn't keep letting myself hurt you. So there's the truth, and now I'm going to go home, because I don't want to hear you say that you've moved on," he blurted, turning and quickly heading out of the kitchen.

"How did it go?" Carlos asked as James practically ran past the living room. He didn't respond, and he could hear Kendall laughing. He made a mental note that he hated Kendall and left the house, jumping in his car and speeding off towards his house. He wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear. He thought that he'd feel better after telling Logan everything, but no. Instead, he felt even more sick than he had before and he couldn't believe that he'd actually just ran away from Logan, again. Only this time, it wasn't because he was afraid of admitting he was gay. No, now he was just afraid of being rejected. Which he probably deserved.

When he got to his house, he didn't do anything. He threw himself down, face first, on his bed and just _lay there. _He didn't cry or yell or anything, because he knew it wouldn't do any good. He'd just be wasting emotion and energy and that was something he was not about to let himself do. At least now he could say that he was honest and open, and that was something to be happy about all in itself. He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, hands still shaking at the thought of what he'd confessed. He sighed, wishing that Marie wasn't a real person and that Logan didn't care about her. Because then this would all be in the can. But then, who's to say Logan wouldn't have found someone else anyways? "Ugh," he groaned, covering his face with his hands. His doorbell rang and he pulled on his hair. "Go the fuck away!" he yelled, not in the mood to deal with Kendall. The doorbell rang again and he got to his feet, stomping through the rooms to get to the front door. He yanked it open and was about to yell before he realized that it was Logan.

"Still want me to go away?" he asked, half smiling as he moved past James. The taller boy was dumbfounded, watching Logan walk to his bedroom. What the fuck was going on? He followed the smart boy in silence and waited for him to speak. Logan sat down on the edge of James' bed and sighed, placing his hands in his lap. "I'm glad you told me how you feel," he said, looking up as the taller boy moved closer to him. James sat next to him and shook his head. "Yeah, I'm really sorry. I guess I shouldn't have ran out like that," he replied, laying back and staring at the ceiling, again. Logan laughed quietly, turning slightly to look down at James with a smile. "No, you shouldn't have. I still really care about you, James. And I shouldn't, because you treated me like absolute shit. But, every time I try to tell myself I'm over you, I realize that it's the biggest lie I could tell myself. I want you, James. In a million ways," he said, easing himself off of the bed and then straddling James' slender hips. For the first time in a long time, Logan let himself go. He didn't care about what James had done to him in the past. He didn't care about what James would possibly do to him in the future. All he knew was that in that moment, he felt like he was doing something right. And he'd be damned if he was going to let that moment pass him by.

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Don't kill me, even though you all have every right to. I'm so bad at updating here lately, but hey. I'm promising you sex in the next chapter, so don't kill me just yet? I'm still really sorry about the way I wrote this, and I hope it kind of makes sense. A lot of shit just _happened _in this part and so if it sucks worse than anything you've ever read in your entire existence, I am so, so sorry. Please take a minute to review and let me know what you thought about this chapter. I read and reply to everything I get! I love every single one of you.


	9. Ecstasy

I'm baaaacccccck!

So, that hiatus didn't last long at all, and I am so glad to say that it's over and that this story is back up on here. I've been writing this chapter for a few days now and I've put a lot of effort into it to try and make up for my shitty hiatus.

There's really not a lot to say except thank you to everyone who's been reading this and everyone who's been keeping me motivated to write. My readers mean the world to me, and I love all of you for every review, every message, every anything you've sent. You're all amazing.

I'll shut up and let you guys get to what you clicked the link for.  
Here's the next chapter!

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Everything was moving so fast, colors turning to blurs and noises getting lost in the air as clothes were shed and discarded to various corners of the room. James' head was spinning, his entire world being turned upside down as he realized that this was real; this was happening. He couldn't speak, couldn't think of anything halfway reasonable to say, and so he just let Logan rip his clothes off as he lay against the cool sheets on his bed, lips yearning to tell Logan to slow down and think for a second.

The smaller boy was at a loss for reasoning as well, his hands working faster than any part of his brain. He was completely undressed, hovering over James' strong body as his fingers made quick work of the pretty boy's belt, button, and zipper. He needed to make this fast. He wouldn't give James the time to decide that this wasn't what he wanted, again. He couldn't will himself to stop at all, and so he just wrenched the boy's jeans down his legs. All he could hear was the sound of his own breathing in his ears, the smart boy swaying slightly as he felt dizziness and nerves wrack his small body.

James may not have been able to understand the reasoning behind the smaller boy's quickness, but from the look on Logan's face, James knew something just wasn't right. Before Logan could rid the pretty boy of his boxers, James caught his wrists and held them still. Logan looked up, anguish clouding over in his dark eyes. He knew he wouldn't be quick enough.

"Logan, just. Slow down, okay?" he spoke softly, the smaller brunette trying to pull away even though he knew James was much stronger. It frustrated James to know that this had turned into something much more than what he had thought. He'd honestly expected that, when Logan had straddled him, this would be slow; soft and easy and everything it should have been the first time and a million more times after that. What was happening now just wasn't right, and he couldn't get a grip on what exactly had Logan in such a hurry. He loosened his fingers around Logan's wrists and sat up slightly, the silent boy seated on his lap. "Are you going to tell me what's bothering you? And why you're moving so fast?" he pried, letting go of Logan's wrists completely and, instead, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy's hips to pull him closer.

At first, Logan didn't say anything. He simply took deep breaths and refused to look James in the eye until the boy absolutely demanded the attention by reaching up and turning Logan's head to face him. "If this isn't what you want, it's okay. I didn't expect you to even acknowledge my confession at all. Don't do this if you don't love me, anymore. If you want Marie, call her right now and tell her. Just because I ruined my chance to be with you doesn't mean I have to ruin her's," James said, heart threatening to cave in at the thought of Logan being with the pretty blonde girl. Logan bit his lip and James could see the tears welling up in his eyes, that being enough to break his heart to begin with.

"I'm scared, James," he started, looking away for the second time, "I'm afraid that if I don't do this quick enough, you'll tell me to leave before anything happens. You'll realize you don't want me just like the other times and you'll push me away".

The pretty boy's expression went from worried to angry at Logan's words. He moved his hands to rest on Logan's thighs and he looked up at the boy in disbelief. "Were you not listening at all earlier? I stood right there and I fucking _told _you that I messed up. I _told _you that I love you. I'm not going to kick you out or make you leave in the morning. After all the shit I've put you through, God, I- I can't even begin to explain to you how unbelievably sorry I am," he threw his attention away from Logan's gaze and sighed. "Is that what you want? Do you want me to just sit here and tell you over and over that I'm an asshole and that you should hate me and that we shouldn't be sitting here like this right now? Because, I will. I'll tear myself apart if it will make you feel better," he said, determined to make his point very clear.

Logan shook his head and looked down between them. James' hands were trembling against his thin, pale thighs and he could see tiny, shimmering drops decorating the boy's tan arms, tears that he didn't even know he'd cried. He swallowed back any of his remaining fear and then looked back up at the boy who'd become every good and bad thing about his life. He pressed their foreheads together and wrapped his arms around the boy's neck. "There's no easy way for me to just forget everything that's happened with us. And I'm so sorry that I can't just let it all go, but you have to understand... I watched you walk away from me twice. I offered you everything I had, and you shoved it back in my face. I just can't tell myself that you mean it this time, because I told myself that the last two times and look where it got me," Logan said, his own lips brushing against James' as he spoke. He knew James wasn't going to like what he was saying, but he couldn't pretend like none of this was on his mind. "But," he continued, reaching up to gently touch the side of the pretty boy's face, "I'm not going to let this go. I've always fucking loved you, and that's all I want in return. I know you've said it, but now I need you to show me. This is the last chance you get to fix things with us so make it count," he whispered, pressing his lips to James' before the boy could speak. He didn't want to hear him talk anymore; he just wanted James to own up to all the talking he'd done before. And if it all came out to end with James in fact being whole-hearted about the way he felt towards Logan, then that would be a new journey. If it came to end with Logan being pushed aside, again, well- He could at least say that he knew he gave it everything.

James kissed Logan back with as much emotion as he could. If this was the last chance he got, he knew he'd have to drain himself to even kind of show the smart boy just how badly he wanted him. With one fluid motion, the taller boy stood and lowered Logan back onto the bed, breaking the kiss only long enough to finally step out of his boxers. In a single second, their lips were reconnected and James was looming over the smaller boy's body. This was going to take a while, and so he moved slowly, hands roaming softly over the smaller boy's chest, down his stomach and over and up his sides. Logan sighed, relaxing into the boy's touch and letting the backs of his hands rest against the pillow behind his head as he prayed to whoever was listening that this would work out.

Pulling away, James looked down at Logan, pressing a quick kiss to the side of the boys face before he trailed his lips along the boy's jawline, down his neck and to his collar bone. He nipped at the bone a few times and then moved his lips away just long enough to watch the blood rush to the surface of the skin. Logan was marked, a temporary reminder that would show the smaller boy just who he belonged to now. James moved a little lower, swirling his tongue around and then over Logan's right nipple. The smaller boy squirmed a little beneath him, eyes fluttering to a close as James proceeded to suck the nub between his lips and tease with his tongue. James let his hands dance down Logan's sides, again, stopping once he'd reached Logan's hips where he let them stay. He placed tiny kisses across Logan's chest to his other nipple, giving it the same attention as the other, only relenting after the nub was as red and abused as the other. He smiled as he kissed back up Logan's chest to his ear.

"I can't believe I let you go before," James whispered, flicking his tongue out and into the smart boy's ear before adding, "I'm never letting it happen, again. I'm keeping you until I die, and that's a promise". Logan moaned at the idea, hands finally coming up off of the bed to cup James' face and smash their lips together. This was everything he'd needed and wanted for months now, and to say getting it felt really fucking good wouldn't even touch the feeling.

The pretty boy moved his hand away from Logan's hip to pry the tinier boy's legs apart, easing himself between them as his tongue fought against Logan's for dominance. He wasn't letting Logan win at all, because tonight was his night to prove himself and show Logan that this was what he wanted in his heart and for the rest of his life. When Logan eventually let up, James kissed him deeply, tongue diving in and working slowly against the smaller boys. He could have kissed Logan like this for the rest of the night and been completely okay with it, the emotion and passion sending his heart into a fit of flutters. He knew he couldn't stop there, however, and so he slowly pulled away and reached down to the bottom drawer of his dresser, calmly pulling it open and reaching in to find his lubricant. Nerves met him at the bottom as his fingers closed around the tiny bottle of gel.

_What the fuck, James? Are your hands seriously shaking? Pull yourself together, and give this all you've got._

He popped the cap after he had settled far enough down the length of the bed to make stretching Logan an easier task. He took a deep breath, swallowing hard when Logan bent his knees and spread his legs a little farther apart. Logan was absolutely beautiful like this, open and vulnerable, perfect and absolutely begging to be loved. The smart boy opened his eyes when James grew silent and still and he propped himself up just a little bit to look between his legs at the pretty boy. "Reconsidering already?" he asked, beginning to close his legs before James stopped him and opened them back up. "Not at all. I'm just really nervous about this, Logan. I don't know why, and I know it sounds stupid, but this feels like my first time all over again," he said, rubbing small circles over Logan's hip with his thumb. The smaller boy flashed him a crooked smile, dimples sinking deep into his cheeks.

"Don't be nervous. It's just you and me, baby, making things right," he reached down and ran his thumb over the pretty boy's bottom lip, "Now coat your fingers and stretch me. I've missed this, don't make me wait anymore," he withdrew his hand and propped himself back up so he could watch James' every move.

James would give Logan what he wanted. He'd do anything the boy asked of him. He turned the bottle upside down and let the cool gel pour out onto his index and middle finger, rubbing them together to make sure they were coated evenly. He snapped the lid shut and tossed the bottle to the side, lowering himself even more so that he could keep his eyes on his fingers as they went to work. He pressed the tip of his index finger to Logan's entrance, circling it before pressing it into the tight heat. Logan sighed, tilting his head to the side when James looked up at him and began working the finger out. The pretty boy leaned forward and placed small kisses to the inside of Logan's thigh as he continued to thrust the digit in, nipping gently at the soft, smooth flesh. He loved Logan's skin; it smelled like raspberry and looked so sexy after James would bite on it.

When James finally felt his nerves letting up, he pulled his finger out and pressed back in with his middle digit along side of it. Logan's mouth fell open and he moaned, smiling and closing his mouth to bite down on his lip. James smiled back up at him, hazel eyes shining. "Feel good?" he asked, burying his fingers deep inside the boy and brushing against Logan's spot, the smaller boy throwing his head back with a strangled cry. "Fuck, James. Please hurry and work me open. _Please,_" he begged, and James felt his cock twitch at the sound of pure need and desperation in Logan's voice. He pressed another kiss to Logan's thigh as he began scissoring his fingers, trying his best to speed the process along.

Logan was nothing but a mess of gasps and groans when James finally decided that the boy was stretched well enough. The smart boy could barely take another second of being prepped before James pulled his fingers out and crawled back between Logan's legs, resting on his elbows as he looked down at the smaller boy. "Ready?" he asked, staring straight into Logan's eyes and running his thumb over the smart boy's lower lip. Logan pulled the lip between his teeth, smirking and nodding his head. He needed James beyond words, beyond actions.

James took a deep breath and reached down between them, gripping his cock and pressing the head against Logan's entrance, causing the smaller boy to spread his legs even farther apart. He pressed harder, his cock slipping into the smaller boy's stretched hole, his own mouth falling open as Logan's hot insides swallowed his length completely. "Oh my _God,_" he breathed, quickly moving his arm back up beside Logan to balance himself. He hadn't remembered how unbelievably tight and perfect Logan had been when they had first had sex, the realization being a pleasant surprise as he opened his eyes to look down at the beautiful boy beneath him. Logan smiled, reaching up and placing his hands on either side of James face, all of his fingers, minus his thumbs, disappearing in the boy's chocolate locks. "Move, baby. Make love to me tonight," he breathed, slowly pulling the taller boy's face down to his own and pressing their soft lips together, tongues meeting in an instant.

Hearing Logan refer to this as making love had James' heart in knots. This should have been what he had done the first time. He should have made love to Logan and never left like he had the next morning. He and Logan kissed for a few moments before the pretty boy started working his hips against the smaller boy's, lips never leaving Logan's. He groaned into the boy's mouth as he pulled his cock almost completely out of Logan until only the head remained hidden before he gently rocked his hips and pushed back in, the tight heat engulfing him again. Logan whimpered against his lips, legs tangling around the pretty boy's waist. James had stretched him just enough to make everything feel perfect and only hurt for a second. He used his legs to pull the pretty boy in deeper, his mouth opening as James' cock hit his prostate dead on. James traced his tongue over the outline of Logan's open mouth and then trailed his lips up to his forehead to kiss the slightly perspiring skin there.

"Mmm, you're so perfect," James mumbled against Logan's forehead, wrinkles forming beneath his lips as Logan's eyebrows furrowed, mouth still hanging open in absolute ecstasy. James made him feel better than any girl he'd ever slept with to forget about the pretty boy, and he couldn't really wrap his mind around the fact that this was happening, again. James hit his spot again, the smaller boy arching his back up off the bed, his cock brushing against James' abs and making everything feel _that much better._ "James, I need more, please," he breathed, opening his eyes, only to be greeted with the pretty boy's hazel orbs looking down at him. The pretty boy just nodded, and Logan had expected him to thrust in harder. Instead, James pulled out of the smaller boy and climbed off of the bed, holding his hand out to Logan who was just staring at him like he was some foreign creature. "Wh- What are you doing?" Logan asked incredulously, sitting up and looking from James' hand to James' eyes. The pretty boy cocked his head to the side and raised and eyebrow. "Giving you more. Just come here," he said, laughing softly as Logan took his hand and crawled over to rest on his knees infront of James.

The pretty boy leant down and gathered Logan up in his arms, easily picking the slender boy up. Instinctively, Logan wrapped his legs around the boy's waist, arms draped tightly around James' neck. James gripped Logan's hips, pulling him up just enough to press his cock back into the smaller boy before he let Logan slide back down and began working his hips in time, again. Logan bounced easily on James' cock, the taller boy being strong enough to hold Logan and guide the boy's hips down hard enough to get a strong reaction out of Logan. The small boy cried out when James pulled his hips down roughly, cock ramming into the boy's spot and sending shivers up and down the boy's spine. "Fuck yes, James. Keep doing that," Logan demanded, pressing his forehead against James' and staring into his eyes. The pretty boy complied, thrusting his hips up as he pulled Logan's down, the small boy crying out, again and then mumbling long strands of obscenities. James silenced the boy by smashing their lips together, knees trembling as he deepened the kiss. He could feel his orgasm pooling in the pit of his stomach, and from the amount of precum smearing against his stomach, he could tell Logan was almost there as well.

Needing to move much faster than standing was allowing him, James lowered Logan onto the bed, pulling his lips away and straightening up. He placed his hands on Logan's knees, holding the boy's legs open as he continued to thrust into the boy's tight whole. He smiled down at Logan before the look was completely wiped away as a wave of unreal pleasure racked his body. "Fuck," he breathed, moving his hand to grip Logan's leaking cock in his hand, "Come with me, baby," he added, hand working Logan's member at the same speed as his thrusts. Logan nodded, eyes clenching shut as he gripped the sheets beneath him. He could practically taste his release, his own orgasm bubbling deep in the pit of his belly along with the butterflies that had accommodated there.

"James, fuck, _yesyesyesyesyes,"_ Logan screamed, his seed streaking over James' tan stomach and trickling down over his fingers as they continued to work Logan through his orgasm. James moved his hand away from Logan's member, placing it back on the bed as he quickly leaned down to kiss Logan, again, orgasm ripping through his body the moment their lips met. He groaned, shoving his cock deep into the boy as his came, Logan gently tugging on his hair at the feeling of James' seed staining his insides. The next few moments were filled with James gently and slowly thrusting to come down from his high, Logan running his fingers through his hair and smiling up at him. He was more content than he'd been in a long time, heart beating wildly in the confines of his chest.

James gently pulled himself out of Logan, and straightened up. "Climb up the bed and get comfortable. I'm going to go clean myself up and then I'll be right back," he said, smiling as he walked to his bathroom. Logan obeyed and pulled the bed sheets back, climbing underneath them and snuggling against a pillow. His whole body was tired, his legs throbbing and his arms weak. Before he knew it, James was back at the side of the bed, all smiles and sex hair. "So, how was it?" he asked, climbing under the sheets with Logan and pulling the small boy into his strong arms. Logan curled into the boy's side, arms snaking around his waist. "It was perfect, James. Everything I possibly could have wanted," he replied, pressing kisses to James' chest as he spoke. He looked up at the pretty boy and smiled, seeing everything he'd ever dreamed of reflect back in the boy's eyes. "Tell me you love me," he said, sitting up slightly and leaning forward so that he was merely centimeters from James' lips. The pretty boy closed the gap between them, kissing Logan quickly before pulling away, "I fucking love you with every breath inside of me, Logan Mitchell".

With that response, Logan was content and he laid back down in James' arms, closing his eyes and just taking in the entire moment. James pulled the sheets up over Logan's arms and let the silence wash over them. He couldn't believe that after all the shit they'd gone through, he'd just made love to the most amazing person in his life. He'd just given his all to someone he'd mistreated to an extent that made him sick to his stomach. He closed his eyes, sleep creeping up on him at a quick and steady pace. The last thing he heard before he drifted off into a dream was the sound of Logan saying that he loved him more.

The small boy was on the verge of sleep as well, eyelids heavy even though they were closed. He was amazed that he finally had everything he'd been killing himself to get for weeks on end. He was lying in the most beautiful man's arms after making actual love for the first time. He'd never felt more complete and happy and absolutely perfect in his entire life, and he would give anything to feel like this for the rest of his life. As he fell asleep, Logan faintly remembered the first time James had walked out on him, the memory stinging slightly. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind, the sound of James' heart beat bringing him back to the beautiful reality that they were going to be okay. Logan had no doubt that this would work, James' actions and words that night restoring all the faith Logan had once had in the pretty boy and romance.

The two slept soundly that night, both with smiles on their faces. Neither could know what the morning would bring, and neither could care less at the time.

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There you have it, everyone.

I'm so glad to be writing this story again, and I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I apologize for the weak ending, and I hope you can overlook it. Please read a review and keep in mind that every single review puts a smile on my face.

I will start working on the next chapter tomorrow, and I'll possibly have it up by Saturday. No need to keep you all waiting for chapters after that hiatus!


	10. Pancakes

I'm posting this after only reading through it half-way. There are probably a million mistakes, but I simply can't bring myself to read through anymore of this. This is chapter ten, and if you haven't read chapter nine, you should do that. c: I completely fucked up and just replaced the chapter instead of just making a new one, and I think that threw a lot of people off when they got a message saying that chapter nine was posted. IT'S REALLY UP. AND IT'S SMUT, SO IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT YET, I ADVISE IT. But, yeah. Here's the next chapter, and I hope you enjoy it.

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Logan stirred the next morning as sunlight crept through the window of James' apartment. The small boy felt an all-too-familiar twinge of pain in his backside as he turned over, expecting to wrap his arms around the tall brunette that had fallen asleep beside him last night. He slowly opened his eyes when he discovered the lack of skin next to him and the-morning-after feeling sunk in; James wasn't there. Logan couldn't breathe, and he knew he should have been used to this, but he could never get used to the feeling of being used. He rolled over onto his back, blinking through the tears in his eyes. He fucking hated that he always cried about this; crying never helped anything.

It took him a few moments to realize that he shouldn't still be there. If James had left him in the apartment alone, that probably meant that James wanted him gone before he got back. He sat up, nausea sweeping over him at the thought of how stupid he had been to believe anything that the pretty boy had told him. James didn't love him; this was all a fucking game to get laid, again. Logan didn't know why James insisted on doing this to him after everything he'd gone through and after all the shit he'd done to get away from this. It was probably because James knew Logan was head-over-heels for him, and that he would be easy to lure into bed. Logan knew he couldn't blame all of this on James, though. After all, _he _had been the one that had raced to James' apartment the night before, and _he _had been the one who had initiated everything.

Shaking legs were thrown over the side of the bed as the small boy collected himself enough to gather his clothes. He stepped lightly through the room, picking up his shirt, his jeans, his boxers; he wished he could have found his dignity somewhere in there. As he dressed, he couldn't help but run through all of the things James had told him before they had "made love". He remembered how James had promised to keep him forever, and how he had told him he was perfect and that he loved him. Logan knew he had to be the stupidest person alive, and he hated himself for falling for all of James' shit, again.

He quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand as he moved towards the door, taking a deep breath before turning the knob and pulling it open. He walked out of the room, head hung low and eyes downcast. Logan didn't want to have to walk home like this; he didn't want people in cars to stop and offer him a ride, and he definitely didn't want people to see him crying. Really, how pathetic would that have been? He thought about calling Marie to come get him as he walked into the living room, but he quickly brushed that idea off, the thought of her seeing him cry being more pathetic than strangers seeing him cry.

When he had reached the front door, he froze when he heard feet hitting the floor behind him. "Logan, where are you going?" came James' voice and the small boy quickly turned around, eyes wide and heart beat quickening. James looked defeated and hurt, a frown painting itself over his perfect lips. "I, um. I woke up and you weren't there. I just assumed.." he trailed off, looking back down at the ground when he heard James huff. The pretty boy moved towards him, fresh clothes adorning his tan body. "I'm so stupid," he mumbled, hitting himself in the forehead, "I should have stayed in there until you woke up. I just really wanted to have breakfast ready for you when did, so I woke up around six this morning to run to the grocery store and pick up a few things" he responded, taking Logan's hand and lacing their fingers together.

The smart boy looked up at James, a small smile inching across his face. "You made me breakfast?" he asked, feeling completely stupid for the last ten minutes that he'd spent whining to himself. James smiled back and nodded his head. "Chocolate chip pancakes. I remembered that they're you're favorite from when we were younger and we'd spend the night at Kendall's house. Mama Knight would always make them and you'd be the first one to the table," he replied, slowly pulling the smaller boy back through the house. The fact that James remembered that his favorite breakfast was chocolate chip pancakes had Logan at a loss for words, and so he just continued to smile, James leaning down to kiss his lips quickly. The pretty boy pulled Logan into a tight hug, the smaller boy burying his face in James chest taking in his scent. James kissed the spot behind Logan's ear, quickly kissing over it and then nudging the side of Logan's face with his nose. "Go undress and get back in bed. I'll bring you your breakfast as soon as it's ready," he whispered, pulling back to kiss Logan's mouth again.

With one last peck on the small boys lips, James slowly backed into the kitchen, motioning for Logan to head to the room. The small boy did as he was asked and walked towards the door to James' room, hips swaying almost ridiculously as he did so; he _wanted James _to watch him. He closed the bedroom door behind him, turning and facing the bed as he began to peel his shirt off. It hit the floor with a resonating sound of buttons against wood flooring, and soon the sound of pants rustling followed. He crawled onto the bed, not bothering with taking his boxers off, slipping underneath the sheets and propping himself up with three pillows behind his back. Why James needed so many pillows was beyond Logan. Almost immediately after, the bedroom door opened and James walked in with a tray in his strong hands. When James placed the tray in Logan's lap, the small boy smiled; a stack of three pancakes, a glass of chocolate milk, and a tiny vase containing a single white rose sat in front of him. He looked up at James with his crooked grin and shook his head. "You're going to spoil me, aren't you?" he asked, as James began to take his own clothes off. The pretty boy nodded as he unfastened his belt and pulled it through his beltloops, "Only if you let me".

Logan began to eat, surprised at how good the pancakes actually were, cooked only just enough to be done, but still being soft enough to practically melt against his warm tongue. He hummed in appreciate before taking a long drink of his chocolate milk. He looked at James, who was now beside him on the bed, and raised an eyebrow. "Have you already eaten?" he asked, feeling bad for not asking sooner, being way too eager to fill his own stomach. The pretty boy shook his head and replied with a "nah". "Oh my God, I'm such a fat-ass. Here, eat something," Logan offered, slicing a piece of pancake and holding it out on his fork for James to eat. The taller brunette laughed and leaned forward to take the food into his mouth, also humming as the taste of chocolate and vanilla both clashed on his tongue.

He swallowed the food before leaning in farther to kiss Logan once more. He smirked when he pulled back, toying with the hem of his bed sheets. "Those turned out pretty good, but you know what?" He placed his finger to the tip of Logan's nose and the smaller boy raised his eyebrow, silently asking for an answer. James shifted so that he could move the tray from Logan's lap, the pancakes almost gone and the glass of milk only halfway full. He set it on the table beside his bed and then crawled back to Logan's side, kissing at his neck. "There's something else that I'd rather have in my mouth," he replied, snaking his hand underneath the sheets to let his fingers trace over the waistband of Logan's boxers. The smaller boy felt the breath hitch in his throat as James began to suck at the sensitive skin on his neck, the breath eventually coming out as a soft laugh. "Is there now? Well, who am I to deny you of something you want?"

With that, James reared his head back and wiggled his eyebrows at Logan before pulling the sheets high up over his head as he climbed over Logan's thin hips. He pulled the sheets back down, completely covering himself and most of Logan's abdomen, sheets rising in tiny puffs as James breathed. Logan laughed quietly as James gently tickled his sides, the smart boy loving every second of what was happening; this is what he'd always wanted, a nice morning with James being silly. Eventually, the silliness ceased and Logan watched as a sheet-covered James moved farther down the bed, just enough to be even with Logan's navel. The smaller boy closed his eyes and leaned back into the pillows as he felt James' warm breath ghosting over his lower stomach, and he lifted his hips when James gripped the waistband of his boxer-shorts to pull them down. Logan could feel a breeze of cool air hit his legs as James pulled the sheets up just enough to toss the smart boys underwear onto the floor.

James wasted no time, tongue immediately finding Logan's still-soft cock and running over the length. Logan sighed at the feeling of the warm wetness against his member, easily turned on at the idea of what the pretty boy must have looked like; hair a mess from being under the sheets and perfect tongue flicking out. The small boy was pulled from his thoughts as James took his entire member into his mouth, fitting it much easier due to the fact that it wasn't quite hard enough to choke him yet. The pretty boy worked his lips around the hardening flesh, pulling back enough to wrap his hand around the base and begin pumping the smaller boy, Logan's knees bending up and creating a fort over James.

"Fuck, yeah. Mmm, just like that," Logan whined when the taller boy hollowed his cheeks and started bobbing his head slowly, taking Logan deeper and deeper until his lips almost reached the base. He almost couldn't take it, but he willed himself not to pull of, the intention and drive to please Logan much stronger than the reflex that was begging him to pull off. He used his free hand to stroke the inside of Logan's thigh, every now and then letting his fingernails sink into the soft flesh and scrape crooked lines down to his knee. Logan moaned loudly, the intensity of the scratching and the warmth of James' perfect mouth proving to be the perfect mix of slight pain and absolute pleasure. "_James, **fuck**_. Let me see your face, baby," Logan breathed, gripping the sheets over James and pulling them back as quickly as he could, the image before him sending him into a fit of moans.

There was absolutely no way to even put a word out there for what James looked like. There wasn't even a word close enough to touch the beauty and downright _sex_ radiating off of the boy between his legs, and Logan just couldn't take it anymore. He shoved his head back, forcing it into the pillows and thrusting his hips up off the bed, deep down James' throat. The pretty boy could tell that Logan was about to lose it, and so he pulled his mouth away and replaced it with his hand, quickly pumping Logan's member in his hand. "Come on, baby. Come on.." James mumbled, anxiously staring at the flushed cock in his fingers, biting down on his lip and trying his best to keep his rhythm steady. The pretty boy angled the head of Logan's cock towards his mouth just in time to catch the boy's seed, Logan arching his back up in most ridiculous angle James' had ever seen, fingers gripping the sheets and knuckles loosing their color. The pretty boy continued to work Logan's member, the smaller brunette's come finding sanctuary against James' hot tongue, small drops sliding from the tip and ending up on his chest.

Logan's chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath while he took in every little detail about James in that moment; the way his tongue was then working over his lips to collect anything he'd missed. The way his cheeks were pink from lack of oxygen. The way his hair was full of static from being under the sheets. The way he was just perfect and there was no way around it. He smiled up at James, reaching his arms out and pulling the pretty boy down for a kiss, the taste of himself hitting his tongue and he wasn't complaining at all.

"You honestly can't even fathom how long I've wanted this," he whispered, staring up into those chocolate eyes that made his heart beat quicken. James kissed the side of his face, running his fingers through Logan's short locks and and then down to run his thumb over the boy's cheek. "I probably couldn't. But, you've got it now, and I'm going to do my absolute best to make sure you never wake up alone," he replied, a sudden devotion and seriousness to his tone. Logan liked this side of James; the unconditional, devout, promise-to-be-there James that he was getting to see. The shorter boy smiled at the idea and rearranged their bodies so that he was lying against James' chest and holding both of his hands. He knew they'd eventually have to get up and get to the recording studio, considering none of the boys had been in a few days and Gustavo was probably fuming. He knew he'd eventually have to talk to Marie and tell her everything that had gone on before she had come into his life. And, he knew that sooner or later, he'd have to get rid of the alcohol in his cabinets at home. But right now, he wasn't in a hurry to do much of anything. And, besides; they had a couple hours to kill.

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The more I write of this, the more I want to just ruin it with more drama. I'm actually debating on Marie drama, which would allow for more angst. Opinions? Questions? Comments? Hit me up in the reviews! c:


	11. Playing Nice

You guys, I think there's something wrong with me. I'm actually updating this story!

I really don't know where this came from or what made me want to work on this story again, but I'm back in the swing of writing and I'm pretty content with where this chapter and the next chapter are going. This is kind of another filler chapter before I get to some good drama.

Anyways, I hope you guys haven't lost interest and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

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"So, you really think he's sincere this time?" Carlos questioned, casting a sideways glance at Logan the two boys pulled various grocery items from Wal-mart bags. The two had spent a good two hours walking up and down food aisles and picking up box after box of things to fix for the meal Carlos had planned that night, the Latino beyond ecstatic to celebrate Logan and James' confession of their relationship. The boy had been worried, though, having seen the two tear themselves apart over the few weeks before over the same relationship, or lack there of.

Logan laughed softly, walking around Carlos and beginning to put the box of noodles up in the cabinent. "I'm positive he's sincere, Carlos. I mean, yeah, I know I thought he was the times before, but.. I don't know. It's like something's changed and I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he talks to me. He means it this time, and I can honestly say that I believe him when he tells me he loves me," Logan replied, reaching out to take another box of noodles from Carlos' hands.

That was all the reassurance the Latino needed and he simply smiled back. There was no way to even put into words the happiness he felt for Logan. The boy deserved this; he deserved to finally have the one person he'd loved and he sure as hell deserved to finally find love in his heart for himself.

"Have you talked to Kendall today?" Logan asked, gathering up the few bags that had already been emptied and balling them up into a pile.

"Yeah, actually. He was at the studio talking to Kelly about something or another. Why?" he asked in reply, taking the bags from Logan and tossing them into an already enormous heap of plastic bags that he used for common household items like make-shift mini-garbage bags.

Logan shrugged, a feeling of nervousness settling in his lower belly at the thought of what Kendall would say at dinner, "just wondering".

Kendall had not been happy with James for so long and Logan knew that it was because of him. Surely Kendall wouldn't still be angry at James now that he and Logan were together.. Would he? Logan shook the thought away and began to put the cold groceries in the refrigerator.

With a roll of his eyes, Carlos stopped what he was doing and leaned against his kitchen counter with his arms leisurely crossing over his chest. "Come on, dude. Don't bullshit me. You think he's gonna say something, don't you?"

Logan hesitated, his grip on the spaghetti sauces tightening significantly. He sighed and set the sauce down before straightening up and nodding his reply.

"I'm sure he won't, Logie. If he sees that you two are genuinely happy, he'll be happy. That's all he's ever wanted for you and you know it," said Carlos, arms falling away from his chest and one hand moving to gently squeeze Logan's shoulder.

The Latino was right, Logan thought. Kendall had always been there for him and he was always very protective of the boy, which is why he was so infuriated when he'd found out about what James had done to him before everything had worked itself out. Kendall was kind of like Logan's protector, guardian. He was always watching out for him and he was always the first at Logan's aid when something was wrong. Logan smiled at the thought, nervousness quickly melting into respect and admiration for the tall blonde.

Carlos had finished putting the groceries up by the time Logan came down from his thoughts and Logan felt bad for letting him do all the work. It didn't seem to bother Carlos too much, though, and so Logan shook it off and followed the boy into the living room where they watched Spongebob and talked about the night ahead.

xxx

The table was set; thin, red table cloth spread neatly over the table-top and decorative white china plates set in four spots atop that. Carlos had worked very hard to create a relaxing, casual environment for the big spaghetti dinner he and Logan had made for the four of them, lights dimmed just enough in the dining room to make the mood that much lighter. He and Logan were setting out forks, knives, and spoons (for dessert!) when the door opened and Kendall walked in.

"Well, look at you two!" Kendall remarked, noticing that the boys were both slightly dressed up in button-down shirts and nice jeans. Logan looked up from the cutlery he had just placed down and smiled. Kendall was dressed exceptionally well, too; form-fitting black skinny jeans with a white v-neck, topped off with a dark gray cardigan. Then again, Kendall always dressed nicely.

Kendall looked around the dining room, the slightest hint of a scowl gracing his features. "Where's James?"

And that was all it took to have Logan nervous, again, Carlos' pep-talk from earlier diminishing at the question and all the anxiety building up. Carlos could see the color drain from Logan's face and he immediately searched for some kind of answer.

"It's, uh.. It's only seven-fifty-one! He still has nine minutes before he's supposed to be here," Carlos exclaimed, hoping the thought would take the question off of both of the boys' minds. Kendall wasn't having it.

"He's probably just bailing, again. We all know how good he is at that," the blonde said, disgust evident in his tone. Logan felt his heartbeat quicken as the idea of James ditching out on dinner was forced to the forefront of his mind. He felt dizzy and sick, but he didn't move. Instead, he just took deep breaths and held onto the back of the chair closest to him.

Carlos wasn't pleased with Kendall at all. He stomped towards the taller boy and pulled him out of the dining room by his arm. When Carlos was sure he was far enough away that Logan couldn't hear him, he stopped and let go of Kendall. "Are you even serious right now? He's finally happy and you're going to say that? I know I invited you here, but you will **not **start shit tonight, do you understand?"

"I was just saying," Kendall started, raising his hands in defense, "I know how James is. He's made all the promises before and I know they've been spending a lot of time together these past couple of days, but still. If he doesn't show up, what is Logan supposed to do? Just sit there and pretend that maybe he fell asleep while he was getting ready?"

"James will be here. And when he does show up, you better pray to God that you behave yourself. You are not ruining this for either of them, so get off whatever it is that's got you so set on being a dick, go in there, and apologize," Carlos demanded, voice low and threatening, which was something rare. Carlos was never angry.

Kendall looked like he was about to say something but he bit his tongue and stalked back to the dining area. Logan still looked pale and worried and Kendall felt a twinge of guilt and sadness wash over him at the sight. He slowly made his way to Logan's side, turning the boy towards him and pulling him into a hug. "Hey, I'm sorry. I'm just so used to seeing him fuck things up, so this is hard for me. He'll be here, though. Don't worry," he offered, and he felt Logan relax in his arms.

The three boys heard the door open again and all of their heads shot up to see James walk in with a smile on his face and red roses in his hand. Kendall let go of Logan, the smaller boy immediately running over to James and standing on his tip-toes to place a kiss on the boys lips.

James laughed against Logan's lips, wrapping an arm around his waist and then grinning as they pulled apart. "These are for you," he said, holding the roses up and pressing another kiss to the corner of Logan's mouth.

"They're beautiful," Logan replied, "I'm gonna put them in some water".

Logan unwillingly pulled himself away from James' warm body and asked Carlos to help him find a vase or bowl to put the roses in, leaving Kendall and James in the dining room alone. The two boys didn't even look at each other, James finding the floor more interesting and Kendall deciding to sit down at the table and play with his silverware. Both had many, many things they wanted to say to the other, mostly insults and snappy remarks, but neither dared speak a word and ruin the night for Logan.

The room remained silent until Carlos and Logan walked back in, Carlos carrying a steaming pot of spaghetti and Logan with the roses in a big, clear tea pitcher. Logan placed the roses in the center of the table and smiled before he sat down and patted the seat next to his for James to sit down as well.

"This looks really good," Logan complimented as Carlos served him first, the scent of the sauce hitting his nose as the steam rose.

The other two boys hummed in agreement as they were served after, Carlos serving himself last and then walking back to the kitchen to place the warm pot back on the stove. He returned a moment later carrying a plate stacked high with garlic cheese bread. He set the plate down next to the roses and all four of them reached out to grab a piece.

The meal passed quickly, all four boys devouring the food on their plates as if they hadn't eaten in weeks. Of course, that wasn't the case, Carlos was just a really, really good cook.

"That was great," James said, smiling over at Carlos who offered a smile in return. James reached over and took Logan's hand in his own, pulling it up to his mouth and pressing soft kisses to his knuckles. Logan's cheeks colored a soft pink and he couldn't help but let a quiet giggle escape his lips.

Kendall couldn't even stand looking at James. He felt so much anger building up in his chest and he had to do everything in his power to calm himself down. He needed to talk to James, though. He had more than a few things he needed to get off of his shoulders and one thing in particular was probably not going to sit well with the pretty boy. He cleared his throat and pushed his seat back a little.

"Hey, James. Can I talk to you outside for a minute?" Kendall breathed and he could see Logan's smile falter. That tiny twinge of sadness was back but he willed it away and got to his feet.

James looked at Logan and then up at Kendall and replied, "yeah, sure".

Before Logan or Carlos could even have a change to intervene, the two were disappearing out the back door. Panic was coursing through Logan's body. There was absolutely no telling what would happen out there, especially with Kendall as bold and outspoken as he was.

"Calm down, Logan. They're just gonna talk," Carlos said as he tried to instill that notion in his own mind.

Despite the small glimmer of hope Carlos had about the situation, nothing would prepare any of the boys for the things that Kendall was about to tell James.

* * *

The next chapter will probably be up very, very soon because the idea I have is fresh on my mind and I really don't want to lose it and take another forever to update.

I'm still very much in love with this story as hard as it's been for me to stay focused on it and I really hope that you all are enjoying it just as much as I am. Please please **please **keep the reviews coming for this and don't forget to tell me what you guys would be interested in reading with this. I always take into consideration ideas from you guys!

Read and review!

-Brittany


	12. Confess

I decided to get this chapter up as soon as possible because the next week is going to be extremely busy for me, what with Warped Tour being next weekend and the whole next week being packed full of adventures in Orlando. I want to take a second to apologize for all the messages you guys have probably been getting saying that I've posted things twice. My safari program has been shit lately and it's sending in documents before I've fixed everything and then I'm having to go back and delete them. I am trying my best to fix this so you guys don't have to deal with it, anymore.

Here's my next chapter, and I hope you guys enjoy it.

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When James and Kendall had left the room, Logan felt like the breath had been completely stolen from his lungs. He couldn't move, couldn't think. Carlos got up from where he was sitting at the table and walked quickly over to where Logan was.

"Come on, Logie, calm down. Relax, kid. Relax," he said, gripping Logan's face in both of his hands and turning the boy's head just enough that he could look into his eyes, "Logan, goddamn it, breathe!"

Logan opened his mouth as if he were going to say something but he quickly shut it when he couldn't find words. This was supposed to be a good night enjoying a nice meal with his friends and now, this. Kendall and James were probably about to destroy each other and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

Carlos let go of Logan's face and started pacing the floor, his hands roaming over his own face as he tried to think of something to do. Going out there with them would be an absolutely horrible idea. Kendall was a force to be reckoned with when he was angry and James was damn near just as bad when he pushed enough. "I fucking _told_ him not to say anything!"

"I have to know what they're saying," Logan finally piped, slowly getting to his feet and trudging out of the kitchen with Carlos hot on his heels.

"Logan, no. You can't go out there. You don't need to get in this," Carlos tried reasoning to no avail.

The pale boy turned and looked at his friend with a look of disbelief. "I don't need to get in this? I just fucking got James to be with me and now Kendall, my best friend, is probably going to ruin it? Why would I not need to intervene? Kendall can't fuck this up for me. He can't!"

Logan turned, again. Carlos was steady talking behind him but he wasn't listening. Reason and common sense meant shit to him in that moment.

When he reached the backdoor, he saw that it was cracked just enough that he could hear the two boys talking in the yard. He reached for the door handle but let his hand fall when he realized that the two weren't arguing.

"Will you please just-" Carlos started, cut off by Logan's finger pressing against his lips. The Latino huffed and rolled his eyes, listening in with the other boy. The two peered out of the tiny slit in the door and prayed to God the situation would remain calm.

xxx

"Look, James. I'm not gonna lecture you, anymore. You're an adult and I know that you can take care of Logan. I just need you to promise me that you're gonna take care of him. I can't keep being a dick to you, because I know that Logan's happy now. That alone is the single most important thing to me," Kendall said, staring down at his hands as he talked to his friend. He felt James' eyes on him as he spoke and he knew that the boy could read right through him. He may have been a hard-ass most of the time, but when he was vulnerable, he wore his feelings like a fucking t-shirt.

James shifted in his seat, a sudden realization hitting him at that moment. "Kendall, are you- Do you have feelings for Logan?"

The pretty boy didn't even need an answer; he could see it reflect in Kendall's eyes when the boy looked up at him. James should have seen it all along. Kendall had blown up at him more than once over the way he'd treated Logan.

"It doesn't matter what I feel for him, James. He loves you. He always has and that's probably why I've been so angry with you. You have the one thing in life that I want and you spent so much time taking him for granted. You can't even imagine what it felt like those nights that he cried in my arms because you wouldn't accept him. God, it felt like someone had taken a razor and just ran it across my fucking throat. I watched him break himself apart piece by piece and I couldn't do a damn thing about it because no matter how many times I told him I loved him, it never meant even close to what it means when he hears it from you," Kendall said, trying his best to make sense because, fuck, there were so many things going on in his mind.

James took in everything that his friend was telling him all while holding no emotion on his face. Why would Kendall tell him this now? Why would he wait until James and Logan were finally making things work? He couldn't understand anything that was happening and all he wanted to do was get up and run. To tear through Carlos' house and get on a bus and get as far away as he possibly could. He got to his feet and when he finally had an opportunity to run, he couldn't. He simply stepped forward and pulled Kendall out of his chair, throwing his arms around the boy and rubbing his back.

"You don't have to worry about Logan," he said, blinking back tears that were coming from nowhere. He wasn't sad and he wasn't upset. He was lost, completely shaken and unable to even function an emotion. "I swear I'm gonna do right this time. I love him so much, Kendall. So fucking much and I couldn't even think about hurting him, again."

Kendall was crying, too, at that point, the tears spilling onto his bestfriend's light blue button-down shirt. He felt like all the tension between them had melted and to say that he could finally respect and find beauty in the relationship James was now trying to build with Logan was such an intense feeling. He'd never stop loving Logan, but knowing that someone else could, well.. That was enough. The two pulled apart, both immediately wiping their eyes and trying their best to straighten themselves up.

"You two are gonna be great together," Kendall reassured James, patting the boy gently on the shoulder and turning and pulling a cigarette out of his cardigan pocket. James watched the blonde light it with a lighter that he pulled from his back pocket and when Kendall flipped the lighter back to a close, James turned to walk back inside the house. He saw that the back door hadn't been closed all the way and when he went to push it open, he noticed Logan and Carlos standing there.

Logan looked wrecked, lifeless, like he hadn't slept in months. He took a deep breath and swallowed hard as he stared up at his boyfriend. All he wanted to do was go home and sleep. "Can we leave? Now?"

James looked at Carlos who nodded fervently and walked past him to go talk to Kendall. The pretty boy reached out for Logan's arm, but the smaller boy was already heading for the front door. James sighed and followed behind him, both boys passing the roses on the kitchen table without giving them a second glance. They sat there, forgotten.

Carlos found Kendall sitting at the edge of the patio and the Latino took a seat next to him, the smell of tobacco hitting his nose. His friends were fucked up in so many ways, but at least none of them were bleeding or dead in his backyard.

"Do you think you did the right thing by telling James all that shit?" he asked, and he realized he'd been using a lot of curse words in the past few hours. The boys were rubbing off on him.

Kendall blew a thin stream of smoke past his lips and stared up at the sky. "Yeah, actually. I think it's better that he knew".

"James? Or Logan? Because he heard everything".

And that got Kendall's attention, the blonde tearing his eyes away from the stars above him to look at Carlos. At first, he looked nervous, as if he hadn't wanted Logan to know, but then his expression changed and he smiled before putting the cigarette back between his lips and turning his attention to the sky once more. He hadn't planned on Logan hearing his confession and to be honest, it was kind of scary to be so out there now. But, he still felt like it was better the two of them know.

"I'm going back inside," Carlos said, climbing to his feet and placing a hand on the back of Kendall's head. He rubbed a few small circles into the hair behind Kendall's ear and then his hand was gone. "Lock the door before you go to sleep".

* * *

So, obviously this was a no-brainer because people had already guessed that there would be some one-sided Kogan going on. I felt like Kendall needed more of a reason to be such a dick towards James and this was my way of explaining that. The next couple of chapters are probably going to be Logan sorting through a lot of his own feelings now that he knows how Kendall really feels, so bear with me! This story can't be sappy and angsty through it's entirety. I'll make another happy chapter soon enough!

Thank you all again for reading. Please keep the reviews for this coming because they motivate me immensely!

-Brittany


	13. Choices

I'm not really sure what to think of this at all. It's a mess, it probably makes no sense, and honestly, I'll be surprised if anyone even reads this shit anymore.

Here's to getting blown off, again.

* * *

Logan's body was numb as he stared up at the night sky.

He was starting to realize that alcohol was really not any help in his state as far as solving the wreck that his love life was, again, turning to, but he'd be damned if it didn't kind of kill the pain for a little while. He turned his head to the side just enough to glance at the edge of the rooftop, wondering whether or not a fall from this height would kill him or just temporarily hospitalize him.

"I'm not that lucky," he murmured to himself, sitting up and taking another sip from his one untouched bottle of whiskey. The faint burn brought a smile to his face but it was quickly stolen away as he heard the metal cling from the ladder he'd use to get on the roof hit the side of his home.

_Great, _he thought, _I should just jump now and spare myself the bullshit conversation that's about to take place._

A familiar pair of dark eyes met his as James clambered up on the roof, half smiling and looking incredibly weary.

"I've been looking for you all over," he said, sitting where he was and not daring to move any closer to Logan, "this was the last place I could think of."

Logan looked away, eyes fixating back on the stars.

"You know, right here on this roof is where all of this started," Logan began, his head spinning slightly from the whiskey, "I never imagined we'd be here like this. Everything's fucked up, James. And I don't know how to fix it. I love you. God, I love you so fucking much, but there were so many nights that Kendall was there when you weren't. He held me when I couldn't hold myself up straight because I'd let myself get so shit-faced. How do I stay with you, stay in this band with both of you, and hurt him everyday that I'm with you?" he finished, not really even thinking about any of his words. He didn't even care anymore about consequences. He was sick of running from questions that needed answering.

James' face was unreadable; dark and sad and hurt and angry. Was Logan really sitting here and saying this? He was so mad at Kendall for doing this. Things had been so good and in a single moment, all of that good turned into another hell.

With a soft, sad voice, James spoke.

"So, does this mean we're done?"

The question lingered in the air like the smell of something dead. It was harsh and painful against Logan's ears and he felt the tears springing to his eyes and he thought over the right thing to say.

On one side, he could stay with James and live everyday knowing that a part of Kendall was dying with every minute they were together in the same room.

On the other side, he could leave James and live everyday killing himself like he had been since it all first started.

He opened his mouth to speak, but the words wouldn't come out.  
He closed his eyes and prayed for the strength to get him through the weeks to come and as he answered James' question, his vision began to blur.

The bottle of whiskey fell from his hands and hit the rooftop only seconds before he collapsed with it, his body molding against the rough exterior of the apartment.

The last thing he saw was James' eyes, still unreadable, but filled with tears.

Fuck choices.

* * *

xo-

Brittany


	14. Closure

So, I was thinking today about this story and how it's been over a year since I started writing the goddamned thing and I realized that it was time to finish it and move on. This is so short and I'm probably gonna regret ending it this way but, honestly, I'm so glad to be done with it. THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER. CAN I GET AN AMEN?

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Rain beating against the bus window blurred Logan's vision of the passing landscape outside and he sighed, scooting down in the seat just a little more and tapping his fingers against the table. He had been on tour for nearly three weeks now and it felt like it had rained almost every single day, give or take a few. He leaned his head back against the seat cushion and closed his eyes, the bus quiet except for the occasional roar of the gas pedal being pressed. It was nice, the quiet time away from the loud crowds and music and cameras. As tired as he was of the rain, he liked how it slowed everything down, quieted the usual chaos that was touring.

"Hey, you. Better not fall asleep. We're almost in Chicago," came a soft voice and Logan felt the seat depress beside him before he opened his eyes. He smiled and snuggled in the chair as he shut his eyes once more.

"I'm not tired enough to fall asleep, Kendall. I was just resting my eyes," he replied, getting a small laugh from the blonde seated beside him. He heard shuffling followed by the soft _clinkclinkclink _of glasses hitting together.

Realizing that he wasn't about to rest anymore, Logan reluctantly opened his eyes and sat up, and eyebrow raising as he took in the four small glasses set out on the table. He couldn't figure out what exactly Kendall was up to, but before he could question it any further, the blonde was up and walking off through the bus. He returned shortly after with a bottle of champagne and James and Carlos following close behind.

James threw himself down beside Logan, smiling slyly when he realized he had stolen Kendall's spot. The blonde rolled his eyes before he sat, sliding into the small booth-esque seat after Carlos.

"What's all this?" Logan finally asked, sliding his hand into James' and feeling the boys warmth travel through his own body. James interlocked their fingers and rubbed small circles over Logan's hand with his thumb.

"Well," Kendall started, opening the bottle of champagne and flinching when the cap shot off before he had expected it to, "today officially marks one year since you two got your freak on and officially started your insane relationship". The blonde boy smiled as he poured a small amount of wine into each of the four glasses, setting the bottle down and then passing a glass to each of his friends.

Carlos elbowed Kendall in the side for being so crude and then laughed, "we just wanted to celebrate you two making it this far. We're really happy for you and we figured we'd do something nice, even though Kendall insists on ruining it".

Logan was speechless; he had the absolute best friends in the world and it was almost unbelievable that he and James had started this a year prior. He felt tears spring to his eyes as he thought back to all of the bullshit and the drama and the laughs and the smiles, and to say that the year had been a roller-coaster for him would be putting it mildly. He had fought through his addiction to alcohol, realizing that it didn't help him at all and that it had only made those long nights even longer. He worked out the situation with Kendall, the two coming to terms with the fact that Logan was made for James. They belonged together. The band had somehow blown up, becoming an overnight sensation almost and being thrust into the spotlight and then here they were, on tour for the first time.

He felt a warm hand wipe away the tears and he smiled as he turned to look at James, his one and his only. How they'd made it this far, Logan couldn't even begin to understand but when he looked into those eyes, he knew he was right where he needed to be. He saw his future staring back at him and the amount of love reflecting back was so unreal, so powerful and so enticing that he almost couldn't breathe. It had always been that way, though. He was used to having the breath stolen from his lungs when it came to James.

James placed a soft kiss to Logan's forehead before pulling the boy closer and then reaching for the glass Kendall had poured for him.

"Here's to the craziest year the four of us have ever seen," he said, holding his glass in the air, Kendall and Logan raising there glasses as well.

And, even though Logan hadn't touched a drink in three months, he lifted his glass and squeezed James' hand a little bit tighter.

"I'll drink to that."

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This is probably the biggest accomplishment for me because, holy shit, I actually finished a chaptered story.

I want to thank everyone who has ever reviewed this or messaged me or communicated with me in anyway. I am so thankful for every kind word, every bit of criticism, and every person I've met during the course of this story. You all have been reading my life and it's so good to just be done with this because I can't keep dwelling on this.

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me finish this.

I cannot express to you my love.

-Brittany


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